很多夫妻都有这样的经历，新婚的蜜月期一过，两人就开始小吵大吵不断，家里硝烟弥漫，有时想找亲朋好友评评理，可却发现吵架的缘由小得简直开不了口。你也许不知道，你们并不是感情真的出了问题，而是没有掌握沟通的技巧，口舌中总是带着刀剑，难怪家中总是刀光剑影。中国婚姻家庭研究会常务理事侯志明日前在广州参加“反家暴巡回沙龙广州站暨《中国家暴现状》调研报告发布仪式”时，大力向记者推荐美国马歇尔·卢森堡博士的《非暴力沟通》，希望学习他的四步沟通法，为婚姻保鲜。

Many couples have such experience，Newly-married honeymoon period，Two people began to small argument continuous big fight，Home of the cloud of smoke，Sometimes want to find friends and relatives plainly，But found the cause of the fight was small can not open the mouth。You may not know，You are not really a problem，But didn't have the communication skills，Your breath in always with the sword，No wonder the home is always whole。China's marriage and family, managing director of the research HouZhiMing recently in guangzhou to attend“The tour GuangZhouZhan salon and domestic violence《Countries with the status quo》Research report ceremony”when，To recommend the United States to reporters dr. Marshall · Luxembourg《Nonviolent communication》，Hope to learn of his four steps communication method，Fresh for marriage。

【第一步：观察】 【The first step：observation】

　　要客观描述不要评论 To the objective description don't comment

　　当你离开忙碌了一天的办公室，回到家中就看见老公正懒洋洋地靠在沙发上看电视，脱下的帽子、围巾、大衣扔得到处都是。这时，你能否心平气和地对他说：“我看到帽子在茶几底下，大衣在沙发背上，围巾在地上，我不高兴，因为我看重家的整洁。你愿意把衣服挂在衣架上吗？”———还是，忍不住脱口而出：“你怎么可以把房间弄得一团糟？”或者“你怎么总是乱丢东西？！”

When you leave the office busying one day，Home saw her husband are lolling on the sofa watching TV，Off his hat、scarf、Coat thrown everywhere。At this time，Can you calmly said to him：“I see in tea table hat under it，Coat in the sofa back，Scarf on the ground，I am not pleased，Because I value the house clean and tidy。Would you like to hang your clothes in racks？”--or，Can't help blurt out：“How can you put a mess room？”or“Why are you always litter？！”

　　侯志明解释说，在美国著名的临床心理医生和交流培训师马歇尔·卢森堡博士看来，后两种表达方式充满了“暴力”的味道。如果我们的表达充满了这样的简单评论，尤其是负面评价，作为听众的对方就可能产生逆反心理，急于反驳，而不是作出友善的回报。两句话不到，一场家庭大战由此引发。

HouZhiMing explained，In the famous American clinical psychologist and exchange trainers Marshall · Luxembourg seems to dr，After two kind of expression filled“violence”taste。If our express full of such simple comments，Especially negative，As the audience of the other party may have created a rebellious attitude，Eager to argue，And not make friendly returns。Two words less than，A family caused by war。

　　卢森堡博士建议，我们在沟通时尽量避免任意夸大，以偏概全，随意推测，取而代之的是，尽可能让自己客观描述事情，这样有助于让交谈的对方保持耳朵和心灵的开放。比如说“我们约好6点开始，现在已经8点钟了”就要比“你总是迟到”更加准确，也更加容易促成良好沟通的实现。

Dr Luxembourg Suggestions，We try to avoid in communication exaggerates arbitrarily，spontaneous，Casual speculation，instead，As far as possible let oneself the objective description of things，This helps to make the other ear and keep talking to the mind open。For example“We arranged 6 PM，Now has 8 o 'clock”Will than“You are always late”More accurate，And more easy to contribute to the realization of the good communication。

【第二步：感受】 【The second step：feel】

　　别把感受和想法混淆 Don't confuse the feelings and ideas

　　妻子生病了，6点半给丈夫打电话，丈夫8点钟赶回家。妻子一看到丈夫，脱口而出：“你怎么才回来？你一点都不在乎我！”丈夫推掉应酬好不容易才赶回家，听妻子这样一说，肯定是满肚子委屈。其实妻子想表达的感受是，“我生病了，一个人在家，很孤单，我需要你的关心”。

His wife was ill，At half past six to her husband to call，Her husband get home at 8 o 'clock。His wife a see her husband，Blurt out：“How do you just come back？You don't care about me at all！”The husband put off dinner party just managed to get back home，Listen to his wife so said Monday，Must be full belly injustice。In fact the wife want to express the feeling is，“I'm sick，A person at home，Very lonely，I need your concern”。

　　侯志明解释说，这就是把感受和想法混为一谈的范例。这种言语“暴力”现象很常见。我们在表达时尽量少用“你”开头，这样容易带着指责、埋怨，对方会出于本能去辩解、反击。相反，应该多用“我”开头，“我很愤怒”、“我十分伤心”，这其中则更多含有袒露自己心声的意味，更容易换来对方的坦诚相待。对于指责、埋怨，对方若不反击，倒不一定是好事，他可能把这些负面情绪深埋在心中，慢慢发酵，某个时机会双倍释放出来；或者他永远不释放，一直压抑着，久而久之，则会表现为身体的疾病，如心血管疾病、胃溃疡，甚至癌症。

HouZhiMing explained，This is to confuse the feelings and ideas of the example。This kind of words“violence”Is common。We in the expression use less as far as possible“you”beginning，So easy to take the blame、blame，The other party will instinctively to defend、counterattack。instead，Should use“I”beginning，“I am angry”、“I'm very sad”，Which is more open their hearts out their containing means，For more easy to each other's honesty。For the accused、blame，If the other party did not fight back，Might not necessarily is a good thing，He may put these negative emotions buried deep in the heart，Slowly fermentation，When a chance to double to be released；Or he never released，repressing，As time passes，Will the performance for the body of the disease，Such as cardiovascular disease、Gastric ulcer，And even cancer。

【第三步：需要】 【The third step：need】

　　说出自己的需要和期待 Say what you need and look forward to

　　有些人会有这样的经历，夫妻两个平时沟通都不错，可一触及某个话题，或遭遇某类事，一方就会表现很失态，或者引发双方的争吵。侯志明介绍说，按照卢森堡博士的建议，这种情况下，当事的双方应该静下心来，倾听自己内心的声音，了解自己的愿望，去发现引起争执的原因是否是因为还有哪些需要、期待和价值观没有得到满足。比如说，当我们说，“我生病了一个人在家，很孤单、很难受”，是因为“我希望得到丈夫更多的关注”；当我们说“东西丢了一地，我不高兴”，是因为“我看重家的整洁”。

Some people have such experience，Husband and wife two usually communication is pretty good，Can a touch a topic，Or some kind of things in，A party will performance is very rude，Or trigger both sides of the argument。HouZhiMing introduced said，According to dr Luxembourg Suggestions，This case，Both sides of the parties should be settled down to，Listen to your inner voice，Understand his desire，To find the cause of the dispute whether is because what still need to reason、Looking forward to and values aren't met。For example，When we say that，“I'm sick of being at home alone，Very lonely、Very uncomfortable”，because“I hope to get more attention to her husband”；When we say that“Things lost one，I am not pleased”，because“I valued the house clean and tidy”。

　　通过这些思考和发现，我们不再指责他人，而承认感受源于自身。当我们把愿望说得越清楚，他人越可能作出积极的回应。遗憾的是，大多数人并不习惯从需要的角度来考虑问题。在不顺心的时候，我们倾向于指出别人有什么错。这样很容易引起对方的申辩和反击。如果我们可以换一种表达方式，向对方表达我们的需要，而不是指责和批评，就很有可能找到办法来满足双方的需要。

Through these thinking and found，We no longer blame others，But admit that originates from feeling。When we put the clear desire said，Others may make the more positive response。unfortunately，Most people are not used to the point of view of the consideration from need。In the wrong，We tend to points out that what is wrong to others。It's easy to cause the other side of the court and counterattack。If we can change a kind of expression，To the other party to express our needs，Not blaming and criticism，Are likely to find a way to meet the needs of both sides。

【第四步：请求】 【Step 4：request】

　　提出明确的具体请求 Clear-cut specific request

　　一位怀孕妻子向丈夫抱怨：“你整天就想着工作，一点都不关心我！”第二天，她的丈夫给她买了一副名贵的珠宝首饰，其实妻子是希望丈夫能多待在家里，给她多些陪伴。妻子不希望丈夫花太多时间在工作上，却没有说清楚她想要什么。相信如果她清晰地表达“我希望你每天早点下班，陪我散步，和我一起吃晚饭”，这样的愿望更加容易得到对方的积极回应。

A pregnant wife complained to her husband：“You just think about the work all day，Didn't care about me！”The next day，Her husband bought her a pair of expensive jewelry，In fact the wife is hope her husband to stay for at home，Give her more company。His wife didn't want her husband to spend too much time at work，But have not made clear she want。Believe that if she clearly express“I hope you from work earlier every day，With me for a walk，And I have dinner together”，This desire more easy to get each other's positive response。

　　侯志明提醒，另外，还有一点需要特别注意———不要让你的请求听起来像是命令。对于中国人，夫妻之间用“请”字，会显得很生分，每个家庭都可以更具自己的习惯，选择更适合的表达方式。“把你的脚拿开！”与“老公，把你的脚拿开好吗？”不同的表达，让对方的感觉可能会很不一样。

HouZhiMing remind，In addition，And a little need special attention-don't let your request sounds like the command。To the Chinese，Between husband and wife in“please”word，It's very identify，Every family can more their own habits，Choose a suitable expression。“Take your foot off！”and“The husband，Take your foot off？”Different expression of，Let the feeling of the other side can be very different。

　　这种沟通方法不仅适用于夫妻之间，也同样适用于父母与孩子之间、工作中的上下级之间。观察、感受、需要和请求，我们将这四大要素应用于生活中，你会发现你与周围的人沟通越来越顺畅。陈辉

This communication method not only applicable to between husband and wife，But also apply between parents and children、Work between the superior。observation、feel、Needs and requests，We will these four elements used in life，You will find that you communicate with the people around more and more smoothly。ChenHui