15岁的浩泽已经开始反抗爸爸妈妈的权威了。自从结识了一个年轻的架子鼓手，他也跟着迷上了架子鼓，每天放学就往训练室跑，在鼓声中找到了从未有过的舒畅和痛快。爸爸妈妈担心儿子耽误中考，无奈儿子正开始着迷，什么道理也听不进去。时间紧迫，爸爸决定强行禁止儿子再学下去。为了一次见效，他不仅切断了儿子的零花钱，还私下要求架子鼓手不再和儿子联系。

15 HaoZe has started to revolt against the authority of the father mother.Since I met a young drummer shelf,He also followed fan on the drums,Every day after school and ran the training room,Found in the drum has never relaxed and happy.Mom and dad son worry about delayed tests,But son is beginning,What reason also won't listen.Pressed for time,Dad decided to impose forbade his son to learn.In order to work at a time,Not only did he cut off his son's pocket money,Also privately demanded rack drummer and his son no longer contact.

　　儿子一言不发地接受了这个裁决，但对家人越来越冷淡。中考结束的那一天，儿子郑重宣布：“我不念高中了，我要当架子鼓手。你们看着办吧，不给生活费我自己想办法。”爸爸妈妈震惊得一时说不出话来，那天，父子俩大吵了一架……

Son accepted the decision without saying a word,But increasingly indifferent to his family.Test the end of the day,Son, solemnly declare that:"I can't read high school,I want to be a drummer shelf.Do it at your will,Don't to think a way to live on myself."Mom and dad was shocked speechless at the moment,On that day,Father and son had a big fight……

　　“好好一个孩子，怎么变得像刺猬一样难以共处？”这是遭遇孩子青春期叛逆的父母们常问的问题。由于疲于应付接二连三的顶撞和一次比一次激烈的分歧，有些父母感叹自己得了“青春期父母焦虑症”。

"To a child,How to become like a hedgehog, difficult-to-live-with?"This is a child adolescent rebellious parents often ask questions.Due to struggling to cope with a barrage of contradiction and each time the fierce disagreement,Some parents exclamation oneself"Adolescent parents anxiety".

　　

成人后两代人关系紧张 Adult after tensions between two generations

　　

往往是父母青春期埋的雷 Parents tend to be buried the ray of puberty

　　“青春期的孩子们身体加速发育，生理上接近成人，心理上同样需要为独立生活作准备。为此，他们急于抛掉童年的影子，摆脱家长的意志，追求个性和自我。但是，由于缺乏经验，心智发展相对不成熟，他们又不得不依赖家长，也得不到绝对的平等和独立，加之生理剧变带来的躁动与不安，青春期就这样成了反叛的代名词。”《亲子情商教练》的作者李雪梅说。

"Children body to accelerate the development of puberty,Physically close to adults,Also need to prepare for the independent life, psychologically.To do this,They are eager to throw off the shadow of childhood,Get rid of the will of the parents,The pursuit of individuality and self.but,Because of the lack of empirical,Mental development is relatively immature,They have to rely on parents,Also is not absolute equality and independence,Combined with biological upheavals of the restless and uneasy,Adolescence so became a synonym for rebellion."[Parent-child eq coach]The author Li Xuemei said.

　　李雪梅认为，青春期的叛逆倾向既正常又健康。孩子亟须也必须完成自我意识的“第二次飞跃”。但是飞跃需要更大的空间，如果父母们还沿用对待儿童的教养方式，就像是非要给一个正在蹿个头儿的孩子穿旧衣服，结果可想而知。

Li Xuemei think,Adolescent rebellious tendencies of both normal and healthy.Children need to also must complete sense of self"The second leap".But leap needs more space,If the parents are also used to treat the upbringing of children,Like to give a child of head is CuanGe wear old clothes,The result is.

　　她举例，高洋因为青春期没处理好与父亲的关系，一上大学就发泄了压抑已久的反叛冲动：他不回家，不打电话，甚至试图改跟妈妈的姓。他说，自己是在父亲的高压管制下成长起来的，强势的父亲要求儿子绝对服从，动不动就以打骂恐吓解决和孩子的分歧。

She, for instance,Gao Yang because puberty didn't handle good relationship with his father,A college is to vent pent-up rebel impulse:He didn't go home,Don't call,Even tried to change with the mother's surname.He said,He is growing up under the father of high pressure control,A strong father asked his son absolute obedience,Easily to beat and scold intimidation resolve differences and children.

　　浩泽比高洋幸运的是，他有一个善于反思的老爸。冲突后，爸爸模糊地感觉到自己的做法不妥，并后悔没给孩子选择的余地。

HaoZe than Gao Yang fortunately,He has a good reflection of the father.After the conflict,Dad vaguely feel is wrong,And regret didn't give the child alternative.

　　拥有中科院心理学硕士学历的李雪梅分析，高洋的爸爸认为儿子应该只长身体，不长心智，保持弱小的自我意识，结果儿子不得不压抑自我意志，直到大学离开父亲后才爆发出来；也因为他的感受和看法没有得到充分的尊重，直到今天还没能建立起积极的自信。

Li Xuemei analysis with master degree of psychology of Chinese academy of sciences,Gao Yang father think the son should only long body,Long don't mind,Keep the weak sense of self,The son had to suppress the will itself,Out until university after leaving the father;Also because of his feelings and opinions are not fully respected,Until now has not been able to establish a positive confidence.

　　浩泽的爸爸，则是因为儿子没能像大人一样成熟考虑问题，干脆剥夺了他的自主权，结果使儿子感到自我受到威胁，激起了更强烈的自治要求。

HaoZe father,Because of the son not as mature as adults to consider problem,Simply stripped him of his freedom,The results make son felt themselves under threat,Arouse demands a greater sense of autonomy.

　　两位父亲都没能意识到青春期孩子所承担的复杂而又矛盾的成长重任，反而对孩子提出了不合理的要求，把他们推向反抗的极端。可见，青春期的叛逆一旦撞上对孩子有不合理期待的父母，往往失去控制。更糟糕的是，亲子矛盾越是激化，双方就越容易忘记相互理解和解决问题，陷入争夺控制权的怪圈。

Two fathers, all fail to realize that adolescent children of the growth of the complicated and contradictory,Instead of children put forward unreasonable demands,Push them to revolt against extreme.visible,Adolescent rebellion once hit is not reasonable to expect parents to children,Often out of control.To make matters worse,Parent-child conflict the more intensified,The easier it is for both sides to forget each other to understand and solve problems,In a battle for control of the circle.

　　后来，浩泽的爸爸放下架子，诚恳地找儿子一起聊他的新爱好，理解他对打击乐的热爱。见爸爸没有改变自己的打算，浩泽也坦率地承认，“这样就放弃学业，自己心里也打鼓，但是既然有喜欢的事情了，还是很想尝试，否则恐怕会后悔。”

later,HaoZe dad put down the shelf,Sincerely looking for son about his new hobby,Understand his love of percussion.See dad didn't change their plan,HaoZe frankly admit that,"So you give up his studies,Also play the drums in my mind,But if have love,Is still want to try,Otherwise I'm afraid I'll regret it."

　　爸爸意识到，这是儿子第一次选择人生的道路，并为自己给儿子出了更大的难题表示道歉，并愿意和他一起想办法。浩泽试探性地提出，只要爸爸支持，他可以做到学习和架子鼓兼顾，只是学习成绩难免会受些影响。据儿子说，这是他最早想到的办法，只是爸爸没有给他机会提出来。这一次，父子俩没有争夺话语权，爸爸看到了浩泽在努力成熟起来，决心尊重他的自主意识，还他一个“健康的叛逆期”。

Dad realized,This is the first time that son choose the road of life,For yourself and apologize for his son out of the larger problem,And are willing to together with him.HaoZe tentatively put forward,As long as father to support,He can learn and drums to two or morethings,Just study result inevitably affected by something.According to the son said,This is he first thought of the way,Just dad didn't give him the opportunity to ask.This time,Father and son did not compete for power,Dad saw HaoZe trying to mature,Determination to respect his own consciousness,Is he a"Healthy rebellious period".

　　

叛逆期孩子的罗密欧与朱丽叶效应 Rebellious children of romeo and Juliet effect

　　“父母反对的他就拥护，父母赞同的他一定反对。”很多父母哀叹：难道我们是上辈子的仇人吗？孩子天真的童年过去了，是否亲密也就过去了？

"He support of parents opposed,He must be against parents agreed."Many parents lament:Can we get the enemy?Children naive childhood in the past,Is whether it is close?

　　在心理学中，有一种禁果效应，也叫做“罗密欧与朱丽叶效应”，越是禁止的东西，人们越要得到。这是抵触情绪在作怪。

In psychology,There is a forbidden fruit effect,Also known as"Romeo and Juliet effect",The more forbidden,The more people want to be.This is resistance.

　　叛逆期是客观存在，躲是躲不了的，熬，是太痛苦了。怎样让孩子叛逆得更健康？李雪梅说了八个字原则：把握情绪、留出空间

Rebellious period is objective existence,Cannot be hid,boil,Is too painful.How to let children rebel more healthy?Li Xuemei said eight word principle:Grasp the emotional/Make room

　　家长首先要尊重孩子追求自我意志的需要，理解他们处在自我意志高涨但能力不足的矛盾中。

Parents must first respect the child in pursuit of self will need,Understand that they are high but the ability to self will shortage of contradictions.

　　争取主动，放出一些空间给孩子发展自我意识。当浩泽知道，爸爸支持自己追求新的爱好，只是对选择什么样的行动有异议，他会更乐于考虑爸爸的意见。毕竟，两个人是在一个战壕里。

The initiative,Release some space for children develop self awareness.When HaoZe know,Dad support his pursuit of a new hobby,Only to choose what kind of action have objection,He will be more willing to consider the views of the father.After all,,Two people are in a trench.

　　做孩子的智囊团。给孩子设置不能触犯的规则(如不伤害自己和他人)，允许他们在规则内自由选择，同时提供自己的建议，明确说明自己的反对意见。这既给予孩子需要的成长空间，又避免了出格的行为。

Do the children think tank.Set to the child can't violate the rules(If you don't hurt yourself and others),Allow them freedom of choice within the rules,At the same time to provide your own advice,Specify their objections.This is both to give children need space to grow up,And avoid the bizarre behavior.

　　允许孩子犯错，给他们机会接受自然惩罚，这才能引导他们心甘情愿地接纳自己的局限性。

Allow children to make mistakes,Give them the opportunity to receive natural punishment,This can lead them willingly to accept his own limitations.

　　家长们常常不敢给孩子自由选择的机会。实际上，如果能坚持做到前两条，孩子会和家长建立起牢固的情感纽带，相信家长是在真心帮助自己，也会认真考虑家长的建议。浩泽的叛逆故事就是这样结尾的：有了爸爸支持自己的选择，浩泽勤奋地在学习和音乐之间奔波，也更严格自律了。半年下来，爸爸发现，儿子精神头更足了，学习也没有受太大影响。不过，浩泽在架子鼓练到一个阶段后，一直进步不明显，渐渐担心自己的天赋还不够。他把这个担心吐露给爸爸，得到的建议是：即便是作为单纯的兴趣，爸爸也会支持他继续学，但是走专业道路事关重大，还需要更多的考察。吃了这颗定心丸，浩泽至今还在坚持学业，和爸爸一起期待着前景进一步明朗化。

Parents often afraid to give children the freedom to choose.In fact,If you can stick to do it before two,Children and parents build a strong emotional connection,Believe that parents are sincerely help yourself,Will also seriously consider parents advice.HaoZe rebel is at the end of the story:With dad support their choice,Travelling between HaoZe diligent in learning and music,Also more strict self-discipline.Half a year down,Dad found,Son in more spirits,Learning also didn't suffer too big effect.but,HaoZe practice) to a stage in drums,Progress is not obvious,Is worried about their talent is not enough.He put the worry confided to my father,Did you get advice:Even as simple interest,Dad will support him to go on studying,But the road of professional matters,More investigation is needed.Ate this evening,HaoZe is still in their studies,And father together, looking forward to the prospects for further clarity.

　　李雪梅指出，鉴于青春期孩子在学习压力、身体发育、情绪波动、自我意识等方面都面临巨大的挑战，在青春期之前作好情绪管理和自主决策的准备工作显得尤为重要。所以，应做好孩子的情商教练，给亲子关系上个保险。

Li Xuemei pointed out,Given that adolescence children in learning stress/Physical development/Mood swings/Self-awareness, etc are all faced with great challenge,Before puberty, prepared for the emotion management and independent decision making work is particularly important.so,Coach should do well in the child's emotional intelligence,For insurance on the parent-child relationship.

　　

让孩子内心强大 Let the child heart strong

　　

青春期是重要的时间窗口 Adolescence is an important window of time

　　遇到意见分歧时，怎样既不伤害女儿的自主意识，又能引导她做家长认为对孩子有益的事？华尔街英语(中国)公共事务总监、《亲子情商教练》的特邀嘉宾肖堰有很多心得。获得过伦敦大学教育学硕士学位的她认为，要做孩子的情商教练，首先一定要获得女儿的信任。

Meet with disagreements,How to don't hurt her daughter's independent consciousness,Also can guide her do what parents think is good for children?Wall Street English(China)Director of public affairs/[Parent-child eq coach]Special guest shaw weir has a lot of experience.Won the master's degree in education at the university of London, she thinks,To do the child's emotional intelligence coach,First must get trust from her daughter.

　　就拿一次英语大赛来说，由于女儿从小表现出很高的语言天分，肖堰很鼓励她参赛。没想到开始录节目了，女儿却打起了退堂鼓。原来她发现大部分参赛者都是大人，有的甚至是英语教师。女儿生怕当着自己的同学粉丝团出丑。肖堰没有急着唠叨，她对女儿说，只要你能够说服我，我会尊重你的选择。女儿欣然同意，和妈妈一起分析起放弃节目的利弊。

Take an English competition,Because daughter since the childhood shows high language talent,Shaw weir is encouraged her to compete.Began to record the program,Daughter is playing back.She found that most of the contestants are all adults,Some even are English teachers.Daughter lest fans make a fool of yourself in front of their classmates.Shaw weir is not in a hurry to nag,She said to her daughter,As long as you are able to convince me,I will respect your choice.Daughters agree,With her mother give up the pros and cons of the program analysis.

　　经过一晚上的反复考虑，女儿决定继续参赛。以后的日子，女儿时常开心地说：“妈妈你是对的，幸亏我没有放弃这个机会。”

After a night of thinking over and over again,Daughter decided to continue to compete.Later in the day,Daughter often said happily:"Mom: you are right,Fortunately, I didn't give up this chance."

　　进入青春期后，女儿不像小时候那样，什么都跟妈妈讲了。这让肖堰多少有些“失落”。但是，一次谈到某个重要决定时，女儿对肖堰说：“妈妈，我还是觉得，你是唯一什么事都站在我的角度考虑的人。所以我还是想听听你的意见。”

After puberty,Daughter did not like when I was a child,Tell mom about anything.This makes shaw weir somewhat"lost".but,When it comes to an important decision at a time,Daughter said to shaw weir:"My mother,I still think,You are the only nothing stand in my point of view.So I still want to listen to your opinion."

　　肖堰承认，很多事情明明自己觉得有必要做，但是要说服女儿并不容易。她总结说：“当教练的首先要获得队员的信任。人家不相信你是为她好，就很难被你说服。”

Weir shaw admitted,A lot of things clearly felt the need to do it myself,But it's not easy to persuade daughter.She concludes:"When the coach must first gain the trust of the players.People don't believe that you are good for her,It is hard to persuade you."

　　她认为，分歧并不可怕，在母女二人争论探讨的时候，女儿进步明显。“要让孩子的内心强大，青春期是重要的时间窗口”。

She thinks that,Differences are not terrible,When mother and daughter two people debate to discuss,Daughter progress is obvious."Let the child's inner strength,Adolescence is an important window of time".

　　女儿从人大附中的初中毕业后，自己决定到美国读高中。尽管自己的很多朋友都反对孩子低龄出国，但提起女儿，他们都说她“足够成熟，出国跟老外扛没问题”。

Daughter from NPC in junior high school after graduation,Decided to go to America high school.Although many of his friends are opposed to young children to go abroad,But mention daughter,They all said she"Mature enough,Go abroad carry no problem with foreigners".

　　

在女儿上初中后，肖堰采取了很多行之有效的方法 After daughter is in junior high school,Weir shaw took many effective methods

　　首先，她帮女儿列出了自己的“优势清单”，里面清清楚楚地写明了女儿的优势所在，这个清单越拉越长，成了孩子自信的基础。初中时，女儿虽然最不擅长物理课，却从不沮丧，还自行安排了整个假期的时间来补习，获得了老师“越挫越勇”的评价。问到她为什么屡败屡战，她说，我不需要和别人比物理成绩，我知道自己到底好在哪里。更何况，我知道学习是为了自己。如果自己都放弃了，那就会彻底失败了。

First of all,She listed her for my daughter"Advantages of listing",Clearly set forth in the daughter's advantage,This listing, longer and longer,Became a child confident basis.Junior high school,Daughter, though most are not good at physics,But never depressed,Also arrange the holiday time to cram,Get a teacher"The lost the courage"Evaluation of the.Asked her why she often hurt often war,She said,I don't need and others than physical performance,I know what's good.What's more,I know that learning is for yourself.If they gave up,It would had been a complete failure.

　　其次，肖堰常用“正话反说”的方式，把批评转化成积极的建议，减少抵触、鼓励配合。例如，当她发现女儿因为不好好备考而考试失利时，她克制住自己责备的冲动，把“你太浪费时间”改成了“如果当初你把时间利用好，考试成绩我想会更好”。

The second,Shaw weir are commonly used"Using irony said"The way,Take criticism into a positive suggestion,Reduce resistance/Encourage cooperation.Such as the,When she found her daughter because of not good prepare for failing the exam,She blame myself,the"You is a waste of time"Changed to"If you make good use of your time,I think it would be better exam results".

　　最后，不论遇到生活矛盾，还是工作挑战，肖堰常常在女儿面前自我反省。事实证明，这样的榜样作用不可估量。女儿常常在给妈妈作出客观评价后，加上一句：“其实我也有点马虎”，或是“我的冲动没你那么严重，但是也需要调整一下”。

The last,No matter life contradiction,Or work challenges,Shaw weir often self-reflection in front of her.The fact proved that,This example role is immeasurable.After daughter often in to make an objective evaluation of the mother,added:"Actually I also is a bit sloppy",or"I didn't urge you so serious,But also need to adjust".

　　在申请美国高中时，女儿在递交的《自我陈述》中描述了一个“独一无二的我”。但是她的自信很快就受到了挑战。出国读高中的第一学期，一个平时和女儿关系不错的美国同学在午餐时忽然用不屑的口气对女儿说：“你从中国来的？我们都是美国人，你和我们坐在一起，有点奇怪。”这时女儿刚刚开始享受新环境、新朋友，被朋友如此轻视，她一连好几天情绪波动，在视频对话中说，“我真怀念国内的同学！大家都一样多好啊！这个班里只有我一个国际学生，我不喜欢同学看我跟他们不同的眼神。”

When applying for American high school,Daughter in submitting[presentations]Described in a"Unique I".But soon her confidence has been challenged.Go abroad for the first semester of high school,The American students a peacetime and daughter have a good relationship at lunch with a tone of disdain for her daughter suddenly said:"Are you from China?We are all americans,You sit together with us,A bit strange."When her daughter was just beginning to enjoy the new environment/A new friend,So despised by friends,Her mood swings for several days,Said in a video conversation,"I miss home!You are all the same!Only I'm an international student in the class,I don't like to see my classmate with their different eyes."

　　肖堰没有急于安慰女儿，而是提醒她再列一列“优势清单”，回想一下自己为什么“独一无二”。两天后她收到了女儿的来信：“我现在不会为和别人不一样难受了，因为我本来就因为不一样才来的。我有我的特点，现在我是更加‘独一无二’，对不对？”

Weir shaw didn't rush to comfort the daughter,But remind her again listed a list"Advantages of listing",Think back to myself why"unique".Two days later she received a letter from her daughter:"Now I have not a is different from others,Because I had just because they don't come.I have my characteristics,Now I am more‘unique’,Isn't it?"

　　肖堰知道，女儿今后的生活还会有更多类似的拒绝和歧视，很庆幸女儿的自信再次通过了考验，也相信经过这次，她的内心会更强大。(韩天放 记者 堵力)

Xiao wenyan know,Daughter in the future life there will be more similar rejection and discrimination,Glad daughter confidence once again passed the test,Also believe that after this,Her heart will be stronger.(Han Tianfang press force)