中国周刊记者 李佳蔚 北京报道

The China weekly reporter LiJiaWei reports from Beijing

　　“我们这些年，就像在大雨里，雨不停，没太阳，裸露而无助。”

"We have over the,Just like in the heavy rain,The rain kept,Not the sun,Bare and helpless."

　　57岁的笛妈，说自己四年前就“死”了。

57 years old flute mom,Said his four years ago"death"the.

　　2008年5月，她唯一的孩子，女儿笛尔，在公派美国读博期间遭遇车祸，不幸去世，生命永远停在了25岁。

In May 2008,Her only child,'s daughter flute,In the United States began to read during the bo in a car accident,died,The life forever is parked in 25 years old.

　　笛妈和丈夫随女儿一起“死”了：“埋葬了女儿，也埋葬了自己。”

Flute mom and her husband together with daughter"death"the:"Buried her daughter,Also buried himself."

　　他们成为了失独者。

They became lost those alone.

　　失独者，一般是指失去独生子女的中老年父母。他们的年龄大多为50岁以上，几乎失去生育能力，人到中年，遭遇白发人送黑发人的人间悲剧。

Lost the only,Usually refers to lose the singleton female elderly parents.Their age mostly for more than 50 years old,Almost lose fertility,Middle-aged people,Encounter outliving your human tragedy.

　　据专家推算，1975—2010年出生的2.18亿独生子女中，有超过1000万会在25岁之前死亡。这意味着有2000万名父母，在中老年时期失去唯一的子嗣，成为老无所依的失独老人。

According to an expert computative,Born in 1975-2010 218 million anonymous only son,There are more than 10 million in 25 years old before death.This means that there will be 20 million parents,In the old time lost the only son and heir,Be no country for old man lost the alone.

　　笛妈和丈夫的命运，是这2000万失独者命运的缩影。

Flute mother and her husband's fate,Is this the only 20 million lost the epitome of fate.

　　

“永远在一起” "Together forever"

　　没有女儿的消息，足足有三天了。

No daughter's news,For three days.

　　自从女儿去美国读博，每一天，不管多晚，母女俩都要聊上几句。听到女儿的声音，笛妈觉得安心。

Since my daughter to the United States to read bo,Every day,No matter how late,Mother and daughter both to talk for a few words.Hear the voice of his daughter,Flute mom feel at ease.

　　2008年5月初，女儿的第一个学期刚结束，改好的论文传回了国内，就相约和几个同学去大峡谷玩，放松一下。

Early May 2008,Her daughter's first semester just ended,Change good paper returned home,Will meet with some students went to the grand canyon to play,relax.

　　电话里，女儿的声音透着一股高兴劲儿：“妈，你也来吧，我带你去，大峡谷可是自然奇观哦。”

The phone,Her daughter's voice through a share happy the matter:"mom,You also come,I take you to,Grand canyon but natural wonders oh."

　　笛妈拒绝了。丈夫身体不太好，女儿很快就回国，去一趟美国得费不少钱，笛妈心里这样打算着。

Flute mother refused to.Her husband's health is not so good,Daughter home soon,A trip to the United States have to cost a lot of money,Flute mom spirit so planning.

　　这个决定让她至今追悔莫及。

The decision to let her still so far.

　　第二天，女儿没打电话来。笛妈给女儿老师打电话。老师宽慰她，别想那么多，兴许年轻人玩高兴了，忘了呢。

The next day,Daughter didn't call.Flute mother to daughter the teacher make a phone call.The teacher relieved her,Don't try to so many,Maybe young people play happy,Forget?.

　　“心慌。”笛妈不知道干什么好。

"dismayed."Flute mama don't know what to do.

　　她记起在首都机场告别时，女儿抱着她，说，妈妈，别担心，以后家里有我呢。

She remembered in the capital airport goodbye,Holding her daughter,said,mother,Don't worry,After I have at home?.

　　压住打转儿的泪珠儿，笛妈抱着女儿，说，妈等你。

Pin DaZhuanEr tears pearl,Flute mother holding the daughter,said,Mother waiting for you.

　　想起这些，笛妈的心，稍稍安稳了些。

Think of these,Flute mom heart,And a little more.

　　电话终于等来了。

Phone finally have.

　　美国警方的电话，直接打到了家里。笛妈不敢接电话，丈夫也不敢接。丈夫的表妹接了电话——笛尔遭遇车祸，去世了，需父母来处理后事。

The police telephone,Direct hit home.Flute mom can't answer the phone,The husband can't meet.Her husband's cousin answered the phone's - flute in a car accident,died,Parents need to take care of things.

　　笛妈一下子“掉到了十八层地狱”：“完了。”

Flute mom suddenly"Off to the eighteen layers of hell":"finished."

　　丈夫身体不好，笛妈一人去了美国。

Her husband in poor health,Flute mom a man went to the United States.

　　大约两周后，笛妈从美国回到了沈阳的家。她“抱回”了女儿：一盒骨灰。

About two weeks after,Flute mother from the United States back to shenyang home.she"Embrace to return to"A daughter:A box of ashes.

　　起初，笛妈想把女儿“留”在家里。她怕女儿孤单，怕自己孤单。入土为安的传统，最终让笛妈放弃了这个念头。

At first,Flute mom want their daughter"leave"At home.She was afraid of daughter alone,Afraid oneself alone.The traditional be laid to rest,Finally let flute mom gave up the idea.

　　北京八达岭陵园，笛妈要把女儿埋在这里。

Beijing badaling cemetery,Flute mother to her daughter buried here.

　　女儿出国前，笛妈陪女儿来北京，正是来八达岭陵园看姥爷。女儿打小儿跟姥爷亲，在姥爷碑前，女儿轻轻地说，姥爷啊，我要出国了，去美国读博士，您外孙女争气吧，等我回来再来看您。

Daughter before going abroad,Flute mom with daughter to come to Beijing,It is to the cemetery to see grandpa.Daughter playing children with grandpa kiss,In the grandpa tablet before,Daughter said softly,Grandpa ah,I want to go abroad,Go to the United States to read doctor,Your granddaughter fight it,So I came back again to see you.

　　从女儿的墓，走到姥爷的墓，只需要十多分钟。

Daughter from the tomb of,Go to grandpa's tomb,Only need to more than ten minutes.

　　“八达岭，寓意四通八达，不管从哪个方向回家，都方便，她会喜欢。”笛妈抽泣起来。女儿离姥爷近了，可是离家远了。

"badaling,Moral extend in all directions,No matter from which direction to go home,Are convenient,She would like."Flute mom to SOB.Daughter from grandpa is near,But far from home.

　　这个位于北京延庆的公墓，距离沈阳约有700公里，开车需要约8个小时，坐火车需要4小时44分，最快的是坐飞机，也需要1小时25分钟。

This is located in Beijing yanqing cemetery,There are about 700 kilometers from shenyang,Drive need about eight hours,The train will take four hours 44 points,The fastest is on a plane,Also need to 1 hour and 25 minutes.

　　笛妈没有车，坐不起飞机，每次来看女儿，选择的都是火车。

Flute mom doesn't have a car,Can't afford to sit the,Every time to see his daughter,Choice is the train.

　　第一次来看女儿，她拼命记住一路的地名、站名和公交路线。到墓前，她把这些一个不落地说给女儿，生怕落了一点儿。

First time to see her daughter,She try very hard to remember the name of all the way/And the name of the bus route.Grave to,She put these a don't be born said to her daughter,For fear that down a little.

　　“女儿聪明，回家的路肯定记住了。”她望着墓碑说。

"Daughter smart,The way home must be remembered."She looked at the tombstone said.

　　这是一块没有照片的墓碑。

This is a piece of no photos of tombstone.

　　黑色大理石泛着冷光，从左到右，并排着丈夫、女儿和笛妈三个人的名字，右上角有一行小字：“永远在一起。”

Black marble extensive cold light,From left to right,Side by side with her husband/Daughter and flute mother three man's name,Top right corner there is a line of small character:"Together forever."

　　丈夫和自己的名字，是笛妈要执意刻上去的。她甚至坚持要把三个人的名字，都描上金字——在北方风俗里，这意味着一个人真正地告别世界。

The husband and his name,Is flute mom to determined carved up.She even insisted that the three are the names of the men,All trace on king - in the north in the custom,This means that a person really say goodbye to the world.

　　她没能如愿。

She can't get.

　　“那就一定得在碑上刻上‘永远在一起’。”她如愿了。

"It must in the monument engraved‘Together forever’."She get the.

　　两年前，她和丈夫卖掉房子，搬离了居住了几十年的沈阳，去到一个陌生的辽东半岛西北部小城。

Two years ago,She and her husband sold the house,Move away from living the decades of shenyang,Go to a strange town in northwestern liaodong peninsula.

　　搬家两三天后，笛妈就坐火车赶到北京，奔到女儿墓碑前。

Move two or three days,Flute mother sat the train get to Beijing,Rush to the daughter grave.

　　她说，女儿，我和你爸搬家了，我来告诉你一声啊……你别找不到回家的路啊，我们把咱们家里的家具什么的，都搬过去了，你的床也搬过去了，怕你不习惯，就是位置朝向改了，因为房子格局变了，你别怪妈啊……

She said,daughter,Your father and me moving,I'll tell you a sound ah……You can't find the way home ah,We put our home furniture of what,Moved past,Your bed is also moved past,Afraid you are not used to,Is the position toward the changed,Because the house pattern changed,You don't blame mama ah……

　　

“概率中的一个” "One of the probability"

　　女儿是笛妈和丈夫唯一的人生寄托。

Daughter is flute mom and her husband only on life.

　　笛妈和丈夫都经历了“文化大革命”，学历是小学四年级，只背“老三篇”：《为人民服务》、《纪念白求恩》、《愚公移山》。他们希望孩子能多读点书。

Flute mom and her husband experienced"Cultural revolution",Record of formal schooling is primary school grade four,Only back"Old three article":[To serve the people]/[Bethune memorial]/[Foolish old man removed mountains].They hope children can read some books.

　　1983年，他们的女儿出生。

In 1983,,Their daughter was born.

　　三年前，国家以公开信的形式，“提倡一对夫妇只生育一个孩子”。独生子女时代的序幕由此拉开。

Three years ago,Countries in the form of open letter,"Advocate a couple of having one child".One-child ushered in the age of the pull.

　　生完女儿十个月后，笛妈必须向工厂交一份已经在体内装上节育环的医院证明，否则就不能上班。一旦发现怀孕，会有人陪着去医院，强制堕胎。

Give birth to the daughter ten months later,Flute mom have to hand in a factory has been in the body of the loop loaded on the hospital certificate,You can't go to work.Once found that pregnant,Someone will accompany to the hospital,Forced abortion.

　　在计划生育政策实施最严格的时候，一旦违规即被开除公职，而那个时候，几乎所有企业都是国家的。

In the family planning policy implementation of the most stringent time,Once the illegal is expelled from the government,And at that time,Almost all enterprises is national.

　　生第二个孩子，在当时的笛妈看来“不可能出现”。准生证、出生证明、户口……违规的孩子，什么证也办不下，“没有证就不许你生。”

To have a second child,At the time of the flute mom looks"It is not likely to".ZhunShengZheng/Birth certificate/account……Illegal children,What card can also do,"No card to be allowed you to life."

　　“就是偷摸生了，你这么长时间不工作，你去哪里了？不给你发工资，不给你涨工资，你怎么活？”笛妈自问自答，“不能活！”

"D is born,You so long time does not work,Where did you go?Don't give you pay,Don't give you a raise in salary,How do you live?"Flute mom ourselves from the answer,"Can't live!"

　　厂里的书记，有一个女儿，女儿被开水烫了胳膊，并不严重，书记去开了一张伤残证明，得以再生一胎，男孩。笛妈当时不理解：书记怎么能这样呢？不响应计划生育政策，怎么不求上进呢？

Factory secretary of,Have a daughter,Daughter is boiled water scald the arm,Not serious,Secretary to open a proof of disability,To regeneration one foetus,The boy.Flute mom didn't understand:Secretary: how can you say that?Don't response family planning policy,How to not make progress?

　　“人家就是高，要不然怎么当书记呢！”现在，笛妈懂了。

"The somebody else is high,Or else how when secretary!"now,Flute mom understand.

　　笛妈从年轻时，就一直尽量理解国家。她还记得，当时有专家说计划生育是一个两难的选择，“两害相权取其轻。”

Flute from mom when young,Will always try to understand the country.She also remember,At that time some experts said family planning is a dilemma choice,"Of two evils choose the light."

　　“不计划生育，对国家有害，对民族有害；计划生育，对一部分家庭有害，”笛妈抬起了双手，像一个天秤的两端，上下浮动，“它是有风险的，一个千分之五点四的风险，说不定就落在谁的身上，可这个概率是存在的。”

"No family planning,To the national harmful,Harmful to national;Family planning,To one part family harmful,"Flute mom lift up their hands,Like a libra at both ends of the,Floating up and down,"It is risky,A per five point four risk,Perhaps falls in whose body,Can this probability exists."

　　笛妈的双手陡然垂下，“我就是概率中的一个。”

Flute mother hands down suddenly,"I am one of the probability."

　　女儿上高中之前，笛妈和丈夫都在本溪工作，为了让女儿有一个好的学习环境，他们就把女儿放到沈阳，让爷爷奶奶照顾。这样一来，他们只能两个星期见一次女儿。

Daughter is in high school before,Flute mom and her husband work in benxi,In order to let the daughter has a good learning environment,They took her daughter in shenyang,Let grandpa grandma take care of.so,They can only two weeks to see a daughter.

　　女儿问他们，为什么别的小孩都住在父母家，我要住在爷爷奶奶家？笛妈说，跟着爸爸妈妈只能上职工子弟学校，学习就会落后。

Daughter asked them,Why do the other children live in parents' home,I want to live in grandpa's grandmother home?Flute mama said,Follow mom and dad only worker children school,Learning is backward.

　　笛妈和丈夫回沈阳，女儿就特别高兴，走的时候，女儿特别难受，可从来不说。后来，笛妈在女儿的日记里，看到女儿这样写：“爸爸妈妈每次走的时候，越走越远，最后成了一个小黑点，看不到了。我特别想他们。”

Flute mom and her husband back to shenyang,Daughter was very happy,go,Daughter particularly uncomfortable,Never say.later,Flute mother in her daughter's diary,Seeing his daughter wrote:"Mom and dad every time when you go,More walk more far,Finally became a small black spots,Couldn't see the.I especially want to them."

　　2001年，女儿考入了大连理工大学，数学专业。

In 2001,,Daughter entered dalian university of technology,Mathematical professional.

　　女儿和笛妈聊自己的专业，说，妈，数学是严谨的学科，是基础也是尖端，前人留下来的东西实在太多了，学好不容易。

Daughter and flute mama talk about their professional,said,mom,Mathematics is strict discipline,Is the foundation is also advanced,Previous to stay there is just too much,It is not easy to learn it well.

　　“嗯，得好好学。”笛妈有一搭没一搭地回话。

"well,Have to learn."Flute mama one build what did not build to answer.

　　“本科四年就是一入门，根本不能算学数学，妈，我要读博士。”

"Four years of undergraduate course is a portal,Can't mathematics mathematics,mom,I will read doctor."

　　笛妈的声调提高了一些：“这才是我女儿！”

Flute mama of tone improve some:"This is my daughter!"

　　小学、中学、高中、每一次升学考试，女儿都是想考哪个就考哪个。可是笛妈的脸上几乎不会流露出任何的兴奋，“压着，哪怕是孩子考上大连理工，怕孩子骄傲。”

Elementary school/Middle school/High school/Every time the entrance exam,Daughter is all want to take an examination of which will take an examination of which.But flute mom's face almost does not show any excitement,"pressure,Even the children take an examination of dalian institute of technology,Afraid of children proud."

　　她想等女儿学成博士归来，把这么多年攒着的表扬一下倒出来。

She wants to become a doctor and daughter back,For so many years to save the praise once poured out.

　　她再也没有机会了。

She would never have no chance.

　

　“没了脊梁骨” "Didn't the backbone"

　　笛妈和丈夫的生活，被完全摧毁了。

Flute mother and her husband's life,Be completely destroyed.

　　笛妈不敢跟邻居说话。下楼前，先悄悄打开房门，竖起耳朵仔细听楼道里有没有人，没动静时，飞一样跑到楼下，买完菜，再赶紧跑回来，像做贼一样。

Flute mother dare not speak with his neighbors.downstairs,First quietly opened the door,Prick ears that if there was anybody in the corridor,When have no action,Fly ran downstairs,After buying food,Then hurried back,Be like to be a thief.

　　大街上，遇到一个年轻时同一工厂的工友，对方热切地和她拉家常。聊到孩子，笛妈一下子就蒙了，胡乱嘟囔了几声，甩开工友，掉头就走。

street,Meet a young when the same factory workers,The other party eagerly and her into the Taiwan.Chat to children,Flute mom was obtained,He grunted a sound,Ditching workmate,Turn and run away.

　　超市里，遇到一熟人带着女儿，人家远远地冲她打招呼。笛妈看到了熟人扬起的手，没等手放下，笛妈转过身去，逃开了。

supermarket,Met a acquaintance with her daughter,The somebody else far impact she say "hello".Flute mother see acquaintances raise hand,Before hand down,Flute mom turned,Escape the.

　　“没了孩子，就没了脊梁骨，”笛妈惧怕接触原来生活里的一切人，“我现在看人不敢看别人脸，只看别人下半截。”

"Didn't the child,They don't have a backbone,"Flute mama afraid contact the original life of all the people,"I now look didn't look at the others face,Just look at the others frames."

　　她换了家里电话号码，换了手机号码，几乎切断了之前所有认识人的联系。

She changed home phone number,In the mobile phone number,Before almost cut off all understanding of contact.

　　她觉得自己已经“死”了，跟孩子一起死了，没有了灵魂，“现在是一个行尸走肉。生活是孤立无援的，心态是苟且偷生。”

She thinks she has"death"the,With your child died,Not the soul,"Is now a zombie.Life is isolated,Mentality is drag out an ignoble existence."

　　2010年，笛妈和丈夫以一种决绝的姿态，与过去告别——卖掉房子，搬到一个完全陌生的地方去。

In 2010,,Flute mom and her husband in a refuse attitude,And the past farewell -- sold the house,Move to a completely unfamiliar place to go.

　　她感觉别人看自己的眼光不一样，究竟哪里不一样，笛妈说不出。

She feels the other people see his eyes is not the same,Where on earth is not the same,Flute mama said not a.

　　有时，她清醒地认识到自己的心态“不健康”，可她确信这会给自己“带来一些保护”。上海一个失独者的团队相约一起吃年夜饭，去酒店订桌，老板知道了他们的情况，拒绝了这群抱团取暖的人，“触霉头，断子绝孙的人，影响生意。”

sometimes,She clearly understand that their own state of mind"unhealthy",But she sure this will give yourself"Brought some protection".Shanghai a lost the only team together on New Year's eve,To hotel booking table,The boss know their situation,Rejected this group of BaoTuan heating people,"Jinx things,Die sonless people,Influence business."

　　断－子－绝－孙，这几个字，像刀子一样扎进笛妈的心里，血流出来，生疼，她却不能喊出一字一句。

Break - son - unique - sun,This a few word,Like a knife strike into flute mom's heart,Blood flow out,Was painful,But she did not cry out every single word or phrase.

　　“死了算了。”笛妈不止一次地想要死。

"dead."Flute mom more than once to die.

　　坐在屋子里，看着熟悉的家具，她想起女儿。到女儿睡过的床上，躺一会儿，她想起女儿。偶尔看电视，不小心碰上一个娱乐节目，她在心里骂自己：你怎么能看娱乐节目呢？怎么能看招笑的节目呢？你应该去死！

Sitting room,Looking at familiar furniture,She thought of her daughter.Daughter to sleep on the bed,To lie down for a while,She thought of her daughter.Occasionally watch TV,Don't be careful with a entertainment,Her in mind scold yourself:How can you watch entertainment?How can you see ZhaoXiao of program?You should go to dead!

　　“说死就死。”她站起来，冲到阳台，推开窗户，头探了出去。六层楼高，并不能给她多大的恐惧感，可她还是缩回了头。

"Die again."She stood up and,Rushed to the balcony,Opened the window,Head out.Six stories high,And can't give her much fear,But she or retract the head.

　　“懦弱！贪生！”她骂自己。

"weak!Cravenly cling to life!"She called his.

　　一次，她去银行存钱。柜台姑娘扔出一单子，笛妈抓过来就填，有一栏是个人工作，最后一个选项是“其他”。笛妈直接在上面划了勾。

a,She went to the bank saving.Counter girl throw out a list,Flute mother caught will fill,A column is personal work,The last option is"other".Flute mom directly above rowed a hook.

　　“不行。”柜台姑娘说。“怎么不行了？我就是没有工作啊。”笛妈解释。

"no."Counter girl said."How can't?I am no job ah."Flute mom explain.

　　“不行就是不行。”姑娘继续说。笛妈的火腾一下就上来了，近乎歇斯底里：“怎么不行了？我没工作就是没工作！”

"No means no."Girl continued.Flute mama of fire smoke once came up,Almost hysterical:"How can't?I didn't work is no work!"

　　姑娘被吓傻了。保安冲了过来。

The girl was scared silly.Security guards rushed over.

　　笛妈的脑袋里涌出了奇怪的念头：“这是银行，保安有枪，使劲闹，保安一枪崩了我？恩，一枪崩了我得了！”

Flute mama head gush a strange idea:"This is what Banks,Security has a gun,Tried to make,Security a QiangBeng me?grace,A QiangBeng I got!"

　　她更加“疯了”。

She was more"crazy".

　　枪没响。

Gun didn't ring.

　　弟弟冲了进来，和保安一起把笛妈架了出去。

Brother rushed in,And security together to whistle mom stand out.

　　“我才出去三分钟，怎么就闹成这样！”弟弟恼了。

"I will go out for three minutes,How to make into this!"Brother annoyed.

　　“哇”的一声，笛妈哭出来。

"wow"sound,Flute mother cry.

　　“一水缸都装不下” "A bucket all contain"

　　“我差点死了。”电话里，丈夫哭出声来。

"I nearly died."The phone,Her husband to cry out.

　　笛妈去美国处理女儿后事时，接到了丈夫从沈阳家里打来的电话。

Flute mother go to the United States processing daughter when things,Received her husband from shenyang home telephone call.

　　一天，独自在家的丈夫突然就晕过去了，不知什么时候醒了，全身都是汗。他挪到沙发上，躺下，又昏过去了。醒过来，丈夫发觉浑身上下水拉拉的，“不知道是尿了还是怎么了。”丈夫去卫生间，想擦洗一下，再次昏倒了。丈夫这次昏过去的时间更长，再醒来，已经不知道过去了多长时间。

One day,Home alone husband suddenly passed out,Don't know when I awake,Whole body is sweat.He moved to the sofa,Lie down,And fainted.Wake up,The husband found all types of fluctuation,"Don't know is urine or what."Her husband went to the bathroom,Want to scrub,Passed out again.Her husband the faint of time longer,Woke up again,Have don't know how long did in the past.

　　笛妈一下子觉得特别恐惧：“无助，一个是老无所依，精神上的，还有一个是生活上的，人得活啊。”

Flute mom suddenly feel special fear:"helpless,One is "no country for old men,spiritual,And still another is life,People live ah."

　　丈夫以前很少做家务。现在，笛妈有意地让丈夫买菜、做饭、洗衣服。她得预备着那一天，防着那一天冷不丁地到来。

Her husband seldom used to do the housework.now,Flute mother deliberately let husband bought the food/cooking/Wash his clothes.She had prepared for that day,Prevent the seal suddenly one day come.

　　“你在今天，不知来的是明天，还是无常，”她往后捋了一下滑下来的头发，露出一额头的白色发根。

"You in today,Don't know to is tomorrow,Or impermanence,"She raked back a glide down hair,Show a forehead white hair root.

　　自从女儿去世，笛妈的头发有四分之三已经变白了。丈夫的头发，已经全白。

Since her death,Flute mom hair three-quarters have turned white.Her husband's hair,Have all white.

　　她放不下丈夫。丈夫的身子弱一些，笛妈生怕自己走得早，留下丈夫一人。

She can not let go her husband.Her husband's body weak some,Flute mama afraid I go early,Leave her husband one.

　　每次说到这儿，丈夫就梗起头来：“你死了，一分钟之内，我也死！”

Every time said here,The husband terrier beginning to:"You are dead,One minute,I also die!"

　　她觉得自己比丈夫坚强，有责任照顾好丈夫。丈夫曾经对她说：“这几年，我们俩的眼泪，能用缸装了，一水缸都装不下。”

She felt a strong than her husband,Have the responsibility to take care of her husband.Her husband had said to her:"Over the past few years,Both of us tears,Use cylinder with,A bucket all contain."

　　她听说过，有些失独者家庭，母亲丧失了生育能力，丈夫不想无后，就撇下了妻子，组建了新的家庭。

She heard,Some of the family alone,Mother lost fertility,The husband didn't want to the posterior,They left a wife,Set up a new family.

　　“我们永远在一起。”笛妈说。

"We are always together."Flute mama said.

　　自女儿走后，过年时，笛妈和丈夫从不吃饺子，炒个大头菜或者大白菜就过去了。

Since daughter left,On Chinese New Year,Flute mom and her husband never eat dumplings,Fried a turnip or Chinese cabbage on the past.

　　第一个春节，笛妈在美国处理女儿的后事，丈夫一个人在沈阳，两人忘了还有过年这回事儿。第二个春节，临近年关，鞭炮声渐渐多起来，笛妈听着鞭炮声，“像炸自己的心一样”，看着别人家欢天喜地，“真的要疯了”。

The first Spring Festival,Flute mother in the United States processing daughter's experience is,Her husband a person in shenyang,Two people forgot about Chinese New Year this time.The second Spring Festival,Near the end of the year,Fireworks sound more gradually up,Flute mom listen fireworks sound,"Like Fried his heart",Look at other people's house rapture,"Really want to crazy".

　　仿佛是被鞭炮惊着了的动物，她和丈夫需要一个地方躲起来。

As if was firecrackers surprised the animal,She and her husband need a place to hide.

　　他们去了城郊一个小山沟，山沟里只剩下两家营业的温泉农户，顾不得主人疑惑的目光，他们一呆就是几乎一个正月。

They went to the bedroom a small valley,In the valley only two business of hot springs farmers,Did not master the eyes of doubt,They stay is almost a the.

　　“鞭炮少，”她一边感谢农户的“收留”，一边忍不住咒骂，“我们恨这个年啊，节啊，怎么现在节越来越多了？”

"Firecrackers less,"While she was thanks to the farmers"received",Side could not help but curse,"We hate this year ah,Day ah,How now day more and more?"

　

　没有希望的愿望 No hope wish

　　经别人介绍，笛妈知道了有这样一个QQ群，都是和自己遭遇一样的家长。

Classics others introduction,Flute mother know that there is such a QQ group,Are and their encounter the same parents.

　　死亡，是这个群里并不避讳的话题。

death,Is this group is not taboo topics.

　　“不怕死，”一个75岁的失独者，怕的是死不痛快，“生病让人伺候，没人啊！我祈求和儿子得一样的病，一下没了。”40岁的儿子在他70岁那年因为心脏病猝然离世。响应国家晚婚晚育政策的潘教授，35岁才有了唯一的儿子。

"Not afraid dead,"A 75 - year - old who lost alone,Fear is a death,"Ill let a person to serve,No man!I pray and son of the same disease,It didn't."40 year old son in his 70 years old because heart abrupt departure.The response country late marriage and late childbirth policy professor pan,35 years old was the only son.

　　笛妈则想把自己饿死在床上。

Flute mom is wants to starve to death in bed.

　　“失独家庭的问题，就像身体长的瘤子，越掩盖，越腐烂，你要给它治疗，开刀手术，”笛妈担心自杀对国家形象影响不好，“它落一个疤，但是它不会侵害到你别的健康肌体。”

"Lost only family problems,Just like the body long tumour,Cover the,The decay,And you are to give it treatment,Surgical operation,"Flute mom worried about suicide to national image influence not good,"It landed a scar,But it won't harm you other healthy body."

　　在《计划生育法》第四章第二十七条里，写着：“独生子女发生意外伤残、死亡，其父母不再生育和收养子女的，地方人民政府应当给予必要的帮助。”这条法律，自2002年9月1日正式施行。

in[Family planning law]The fourth chapter in article 27,written:"Only children accident disability/death,His parents no longer fertility and adopt children,The local people's government shall give the necessary help."The law,Since September 1, 2002 and formally.

　　笛妈几乎脱口而出二十七条的具体内容。“‘帮助’不是责任和义务，可以帮也可以不帮，帮你是人情，不帮你是道理。”

Flute mom almost blurt out the specific content of article 27."‘help’Not responsibility and obligation,Can help can also not to help,Help you are human,Don't help you are reasonable."

　　她又提高了声调：“政府不帮我们，谁帮我们？”

She and also to improve the tone of voice:"The government not to help us,Who help us?"

　　包括笛妈在内的失独者，最怕的是老无所养。

Including flute mom, who lost alone,Most afraid of is no country for old raise.

　　笛妈每个月有2000多的养老金，丈夫还没退休，一个月有四五百块钱的收入，钱加起来，能够维持两个人在那个辽北小城的基本生活。

Flute mother every month the pensions of more than 2000,Her husband has not retired,A month four or dollars income,Add up the money,Can maintain two people in the liao north town basic life.

　　不过，笛妈说，失去了一个孩子，就等于失去了一群孩子，他们的养老成本要比普通人高。“女儿在，她就会有工作单位的同事，有同学，以后她还会找对象，结婚，她给我们带来的人脉资源，会给我们带来帮助，”笛妈说，“看个病，只有钱不认识人也不行啊！”

but,Flute mama said,Losing a child,Just to be equal to lost a group of children,Their endowment cost than ordinary people high."Daughter in,She will have a work colleague,Some students,Later she can find object,married,She gave us brings human resources,Will give us help,"Flute mama said,"See a disease,Only money don't know person also not ah!"

　　在失独者QQ群里，有家长说，全国的独生子女家庭都在走钢丝，就看谁掉下来，我们就是从钢丝上掉下来的人。

In the loss of the person in the QQ group,Parents say a,The national one-child families in the tightrope,See who falls down,We just fall off the wire people.

　　此话一出，活络的群聊，顿时静下来。

This a,Slip group chat,Immediately quiet down.

　　他们通过网络商议，希望得到来自国家的帮助。

They took counsel with through the network,Hope to get help from the country.

　　最近一次寻求帮助是在6月5日，全国各地的失独者，从各省市联合来京，向国家计生委申请补偿。

A recent for help on June 5,,All over the country who lost alone,From all provinces and cities to Beijing joint,To apply for compensation of the national population.

　　两天一夜的等待，换来包括笛妈在内的五名父母代表与国家计生委副主任王培安的一次不公开座谈。计生委承诺，三四个月内，研究出一个“制度框架”。

Two days one night of waiting,For including flute mom, five parents representative and vice minister of the national population of WangPeiAn a public discussion.State family planning commission commitment,Three or four months,Study out a"System framework".

　　笛妈从来没有得到过实质性的答复，他们的愿望，也从来没有出现过一丝真切的希望。

Flute mom never received substantial reply,They wish,Also there has never been a sincere hope.

　　“希望国家为我们建一个统一的养老院，我们拿出工资和退休金的80%作为经费，剩下20%零花。”

"Hope for our country to build a unified nursing homes,We took out 80% of wages and pensions as funds,The remaining 20% pocket money."

　　“国家要把‘常回家看看’列入法律，可是对于失独老人来说，‘谁回家看看’是政府的责任，我们不能被当做空气一样。”

"The country‘Go home often’Included in the legal,But for lost for the old man,‘Go home who’Is the obligation of government,We can't be as air."

　　“作为公民，我们对国家问心无愧，做到了国家要求做的一切，我们建议建廉租房，也是替政府着想，住在一起我们可以互相帮助，不给政府添麻烦。”

"As citizens,We owe it to our country to have a clear conscience,Do the national requirements for everything,We suggest that build low-cost housing,Also consider for the government,Live together we can help each other,Don't trouble to the government."

　　“最主要的，我们希望相关部门出台相应的制度和法规，明确管理失独群体的机构，让我们知道出了问题该去找谁，我们没了孩子，不能让我们再成为没有妈妈的孩子……”

"The main,We hope that relevant departments issued corresponding system and regulations,Clear management lost only group of institutions,Let us know wrong whom to turn to,We don't have the child,Can't let we'll be no mother's child……"

　　在跟计生委领导座谈时，一个年纪最大的失独者父亲说：“我71岁时就来找你们谈过这个问题，你们没有解决；现在我又来谈，我不想三年后这个事情还是没解决，到那时候我可能就是一张相片了……”

With the state family planning commission leadership when discussion,A oldest lost the only father said:"I am 71 years old when he come to you about this problem,You don't have to solve;Now I have to talk about,I don't want to three years later it couldn't solve,By then I may be the photo……"

　　一些人显然等不到那天了。哈尔滨一对夫妻，妻子住在医院普通病房，丈夫住在传染病医院；重庆一名失独母亲的生命已进入了倒计时，生病的老公自顾不暇……

Some people obviously less than that, such as the.Harbin a pair of husband and wife,His wife in hospital general ward,Her husband lives in the infectious disease hospital;Chongqing a loss of only the mother's life has entered the countdown,Sick husband ZiGuBuXia……

　　“要是女儿在，该有多好啊！”每次听到这些消息，她总忍不住这样想。

"If the daughter in,This will be good!"Every time I heard the news,She always can't help but think so.

　　她很少梦到女儿，四年多时间里，“梦到过三四次”。

She seldom dream daughter,Four years,"Dreamed three or four times a year".

　　一次是2010年5月22日，第二天，她就要和全国各地的失独者代表去国家计生委。梦里，女儿还是高中时的模样，参加体操比赛拿了冠军。女儿一手举着奖牌，一手握拳，冲她喊“妈妈，加油！”

One May 22, 2010,The next day,She will be all over the country and lost the only representative to go to the national family planning.dream,Daughter or high school when the appearance,To participate in the gymnastics competition took the title.Daughter hand holding a medal,Hand clenched,Impact she cried"mother,refueling!"

　　她一下子就醒了，黑暗里，瞪着眼睛，泪淌下来。

She was awake,darkness,Eyes stared at,Tears trickle down.

　　7月10日这天傍晚，北京的天，泼下了大雨，砸在地上，激起一阵水烟儿。赶去和失独者朋友聚会的笛妈，撑一把白底蓝花的伞，一个人立在马路边上。

July 10 day in the evening,The day of the Beijing,Spilled the heavy rain,Hit on the ground,Stir up a shisha son.Driven to and lost the only friend party flute mom,Stay a white blue flower umbrella,A person standing at the edge the road.

　　一辆、两辆、三辆、四辆……一个多小时里，二十多辆出租车呼啸而过，笛妈的手，抬起，又落下。雨水几乎打湿了整条裤子。她一手举着雨伞，半蹲着，挽起裤腿，一阵风带着雨，直接浇到了她的半边身子上。

A car/Two car/three/Four cars……More than a hour,More than twenty taxi roared,Flute mother hand,raise,And down.The rain almost wet the pants.Her hand holding an umbrella,Half squatter,Rolled up the leg,A gust of wind with rain,Direct water to her half of the body.

　　她不放弃这次聚会，继续在雨里等车：“只有和他们在一起，我才会感到快乐。”

She did not give up the party,To continue in the rain waiting for a bus:"Only with them,I will feel happy."

　　一辆出租车再次呼啸而过。“我们这些年，就像在大雨里，车不停，雨不停，没太阳，”笛妈的话，盖过了雨声，“裸露又无助。”

A taxi screamed again."We have over the,Just like in the heavy rain,Car kept,The rain kept,Not the sun,"Flute mom words,Cover after the rain,"Bare and helpless."

　　（文中笛妈、笛尔为化名。实习生曹珊珊对本文亦有贡献。图片由腾讯网《活着》栏目提供）

(The flute mom/Flute for alias's.This paper also CaoShanShan interns to contribute.Image by,[alive]Columns provide)