从孩子看家庭 Children are watching from the family

　　

虎父为儿子铺的路为何越走越难？ Like father son paved road why more walk more difficult?

　　

核心提示： summary:

　　很多人认为，事业成功的父母会为孩子搭建比较好的成长平台，提供更多的发展机会，却忽略了这种平台本身就缩小了孩子成长的空间，提高了他们获得成功的难度。孩子会认为，无论自己多么努力，所收获的成果与父母的巨大成就相比都会显得“太小”。

Many people think,The cause of the success of the parents for the child will build better growth platform,Provide more development opportunities,But ignore the platform itself narrowed the child grow the space,Improve their success of difficulty.Children will think,No matter how hard themselves,The results of the harvest and parents' great achievements will appear compared"Is too small".

　　如果父母能够意识到这些，帮助孩子了解自己拥有的优势，并知道如何借势发展，他们之间就会形成良性的互动。如果父母不切实际地以高标准要求孩子，则会让他们处于焦虑之中，形成低自我价值，最终以放弃成长对抗父母带来的成长压力。

If the parents can realize these,Help your child understand its own advantage,And know how to taking advantage of development,They will be formed between benign interaction.If the parents unrealistically high standard requirements in children,Will let them in of anxiety,Forming low self-worth,Eventually to give up growth against parents bring growth pressure.

　　

儿子的问题成了家里的痛点 Son has become home pain spot

　　心航路的接线老师对刘子蝉的印象特别深刻。她在预约电话中反复说，自己和老公在事业上很有成就，儿子王奇(化名)却没有遗传他俩的任何优秀品质。她怀疑这孩子在妇产医院抱错了。如果去做亲子鉴定，会不会给孩子留下心理阴影？一旦确认抱错了，如何与医院交涉？又通过什么途径找回自己的亲生儿子？

Heart route of the connection to the teacher LiuZiChan impression special deep.Her appointment phone said over and over again,My husband and his career is accomplished,Son WangJi(alias)But no genetic their any outstanding quality.She doubts the child in the maternity hospital hold wrong.If you go to a paternity test,Will give the child leave psychological shadow?Once confirmed that embrace the wrong,How to negotiate with the hospital?And through what way I find myself own son?

　　接线老师问她，是否咨询过医学和法律相关的人士？刘子蝉说这一切必须在咨询后才能有实质性的进展，她恳请马上替她预约咨询。

Connection the teacher asked her,Whether consulted medical and legal relevant personage?LiuZiChan said all this must be in consultation can get a substantial progress,She will immediately for her appointment consultation.

　　与刘子蝉第一次见面，我发现这是一位端庄秀丽的女士，寒暄间流露出干练。但转入主题后，她马上变得焦虑、主观、缺乏层次感。

And LiuZiChan meet for the first time,I find this is a dignified and beautiful lady,Chinchin room reveals the spell able.But after to theme,She immediately became anxiety/subjective/Lack of administrative.

　　“我老公出身贫寒，通过个人奋斗，现在是一家企业的董事长，我自己的公司也是从无到有，从小到大，可儿子王奇根本不随我们……”刘子蝉介绍说，王奇从小就很萎靡，整天耷拉着脑袋，闷不作声。他的“厌学”好像是与生俱来的，在普通中学成绩也永远排在最后。进入青春期，情绪极不稳定，经常乱发脾气、摔砸物品、玩游戏，有的时候晚上玩得太晚，第二天就旷课。

"My husband was born into a poor family,Through the individual struggle,It is a enterprise's chairman of the board of directors,My own company is also start from scratch,size,But the boy WangJi don't with us……"LiuZiChan said,WangJi grew up very sag,Head down and all day,Stuffy silent.his"Be disgusted"Seems to be born,In an ordinary secondary school and never exhaust in the final.puberty,Mood unstable,Often temper tantrum/Fell hit items/Play games,Sometimes play too late in the evening,The next day he cut class.

　　刘子蝉将咨询安排在“亲子鉴定”之前，已经充分表明，她内心其实很清楚儿子的身世。每个人人格的形成与先天遗传、后天环境等诸多因素相关，当一个母亲不满意孩子到了怀疑血缘关系时，我能感受到这种无助，她希望用外在的借口来推卸对孩子的教育责任。

LiuZiChan will consult arranged in"Paternity test"before,Has fully show that,Her heart actually very clear son's life.Each person personality formation and congenital genetic/The day after tomorrow environment, and many other factors,When a mother are not satisfied with the child to suspect blood relations,I can feel this kind of helpless,She hopes to use external an excuse to shirk responsibility to the child's education.

　　刘子蝉告诉我，无论在什么场合，只要别人提及孩子，她就会浑身不自在，“现在中年人在社交应酬中最常见的话题就是孩子，我觉得人家的孩子都有闪光点，可是一想起王奇，我的情绪马上就低落下来，甚至猜测别人存心让我难堪……”刘子蝉曾多次因为无法控制自己的情绪，在应酬时中途离场。

LiuZiChan told me,On whatever occasions,As long as the others refer to children,She will be a fish out of water,"Now middle-aged adults in a social dinner party is the most common topic that a child,I think the somebody else's child has flash point,But think of WangJi,My mood is low down immediately,Even guess others was supposed to embarrass me……"LiuZiChan has repeatedly because can't control your emotions,In the dinner party midway off.

　　最近，压力更是从四面八方向她袭来，她有种窒息的感觉。王奇已经三周没有去学校了，昼夜颠倒地玩游戏；老公整天唉声叹气，抱怨怎么会有这样的儿子；上周，陪大客户吃饭时，她又因孩子话题失态，由此引发对方对她的不信任，并无期限地推迟合作……

recently,Pressure is more from every direction on her,She have the feeling of suffocation.WangJi has three weeks did not go to school,Day and night topsy-turvy to play games;The husband sigh all day,Complain about how can have such a son;Last week,When eating with big customer,She and because children topic faux pas,Caused by the other party for her distrust,And time delay in cooperation……

　　显然，儿子王奇的行为不仅破坏了家庭气氛、夫妻感情，而且在母亲的潜意识里形成了痛点，变成了一颗随时引爆的情绪炸弹。从刘子蝉的描述中，我觉得王奇的确存在一些行为问题，但绝不至于让母亲有如此强烈的反应。是母亲避重就轻还是另有隐情？

obviously,Son WangJi behavior not only break the family atmosphere/couples,And in the mother's subconsciously formed the pain spot,Become a bomb detonated at any time the mood.From the description of LiuZiChan,I think WangJi really do exist some behavior problems,But not as to let mother has such a strong reaction.Is the mother beg the question or otherwise than that?

　　为了让刘子蝉全面地看问题，我给她布置了一项任务，分别写出孩子的10条优点和10条缺点。刘子蝉很顺利地写出了10条缺点，却没有写出一条优点。

In order to make LiuZiChan comprehensive look at problems,I gave her decorate a task,Write the article 10 children respectively advantages and ten faults.LiuZiChan smoothly wrote the article 10 faults,But have not write a advantages.

　　每个孩子都会有优点，就算别人眼中乏善可陈的孩子，母亲也能找出诸如从不挑食、长得比较白等特点。刘子蝉眼中的儿子没有优点，是比较极端的。从以往的经验看，这种极端现象出现的原因主要有以下几点：一是孩子不仅存在行为问题，而且造成了巨大的无法克服的现实困难；二是父母对孩子的期许过高，超出了孩子的能力范围；三是父母心理健康水平过低，陷入了绝对化的思维模式。

Every child can have a advantage,Even if somebody else has children,Mother also can find such as never picky about food/Long more white etc.The son of LiuZiChan eyes no advantages,Is extreme.From past experience to look at,This kind of extreme phenomenon appears the reason mainly has the following points:A child is not only is there the behavior problems,And caused a huge cannot overcome difficult reality;The second is the parents and children too high expectations,Beyond the scope of the baby's ability;The third is parents psychological health level is too low,In the black-and-white thinking mode.

　　在母亲眼中没有优点的孩子，他是如何感知自己、感知他人的呢？亲子关系就像跷跷板，父母一方过于强大，孩子只能处于劣势地位，他的生命能量在压抑下不断地消耗，却没有任何补充。

In the mother's eyes the advantages of no child,He is how we perceive yourself/Perceive others??Parenthood is like see-saw,Parents party too strong,Children can only disadvantage position,His life energy in repressed constantly consumption,But there are not any added.

　　

父母担心的只是自己的面子 Parents worry is your face

　　王奇一米八的个头，瘦削得让人心疼。原本应该上高三的他，因为旷课太多休学两年，现在还是高一。他脸色灰蒙蒙的，没有丝毫朝气。他无奈而又无所谓地坐在我的对面，眼睛始终看着地面，做出一副“任你怎么说，我自岿然不动”的姿态。

WangJi meter of eight of head,Thin lets the person feel distressed.Originally should be on his senior year,Because truancy too much away from school for two years,Still higher.He looks grey,No spark.He helpless and no land was sitting in front of me,Eyes always looked at the ground,Make a pair of"Let what you say,I from remain unmoved"attitude.

　　“小伙子，你今天来是父母安排的还是自己要求的？”

"Young man,You today to parents arrange or own request?"

　　“我从来没有任何要求，他们说什么都行。”

"I never had any requirements,They say anything."

　　“你真随和。”

"You are easy-going."

　　“这不叫随和，这是任人宰割。我就像个寄生虫，厚着脸皮得过且过。我的存在使他们的人生不完美了，他们一直在寻找体面的理由把我扫地出门……”王奇好像很清楚自己的处境，虽然刘子蝉告诉我，她对儿子身世的怀疑从未在儿子面前暴露过，而事实上，孩子是极为敏感的。

"It's not that easy,This is allow to oppressed.I like a parasite,The cheek to drift along.That I exist to make their life is not perfect,They are always looking out for decent reason kicked me out……"WangJi seemed very clearly his own situation,Although LiuZiChan told me,Her son to life doubt never in front of a son exposure,In fact,The child is very sensitive.

　　“如果他们不爱你，为什么百忙之中还为你安排咨询？作为父母，他们内心还是希望你找到生活的价值和乐趣。”

"If they do not love you,Why your busy time for you to arrange consultation?As parents,Their heart or hope you find the value of life and fun."

　　王奇显然有点惊讶，看得出他在纠结是否和我继续交流。我没有急于说话，看到他用衣服紧紧裹住自己，我递给他一个披肩，示意他盖在膝盖上。王奇告诉我，父母所做的一切只是为了自己的面子。因为羞于让别人知道家里有个不争气的儿子，他们让王奇在一所偏僻的学校寄宿，却说是为了安全考虑，因为生意场上得罪了不少人。

WangJi obviously a little bit surprised,See him in ravel and whether I continue to exchange.I don't have to speak,See he wrapped tight clothes herself,I handed him a shawl,Hint he cover on his knees.WangJi told me,The parents have done only for his own face.Because ashamed to let others know home have a disappointing son,They let WangJi in a remote boarding school,Said to safety,Because the business field have sinned against many people.

　　“多年来，我将他们所有的言行联系在一起，终于明白了，他们真正担心的不是我的安全，而是他们自己的面子。大家不会信任一个连自己的孩子都教育不好的人，不会相信一个不爱自己孩子的人，所以，他们就算觉得我是一个绊脚石，也会在表面上做得滴水不漏。”王奇说这些话时不假思索，我知道这些念头在他的脑海中反复出现过很多次，并已固化为他解读父母一切行为的前提和假设。

"For many years,I gave them all the words and deeds relates in together,Finally understand,They really worry about is not my safety,But their own face.You wouldn't trust a even his own children education bad people,Don't believe a don't love their children,so,They even think I am a stumbling block,Also on the surface is done."WangJi said these words without thinking,I know the idea in his mind appeared again and again many times,And has formed as his parents reading all the behavior of the premise and hypothesis.

　　是什么让王奇得出这样的结论？是沟通不畅让孩子产生了误解，还是孩子揣摩到了父母的真正意图，抑或是父母自然流露的态度让孩子把问题转移到自己身上？此时的我不得而知，但我知道王奇的自我价值感很低，母亲所罗列的问题行为很可能与此有关。

What makes WangJi draw such a conclusion?Is the communication let the children produced a misunderstanding,Was a child to learn the real intention of parents,Or is the attitude of the natural language parents let the children the problem transferred to yourself?I don't know at this time,But I know WangJi of self-worth is very low,Mother listed the problems can also be related to the behavior is very.

　　在成长过程中自我价值感低的孩子，通常会通过各种方式寻求以下目标：

In the process of growing up the self-worth low child,Usually through various ways for the following goals:

　　一是注意。孩子会做出积极或消极的事来赢得关注。如果父母和老师只给予消极关注，即在孩子做错事时批评，做出积极努力时却不及时回应，这无疑给孩子造成一个错觉，认为只有做错事才会被关注。

One is to pay attention to.The child will make positive or negative things to win the attention.If the parents and teachers only give negative attention,That is when the child does something wrong criticism,Make positive efforts but don't react in a timely manner,This undoubtedly give a child an illusion,Think only do wrong will be attention.

　　二是权力。自我价值感低的孩子往往要寻找权力感。有的孩子因为犯错误经常被父母斥责，在忍无可忍的情况下摔砸家中的物品。这个时候父母可能因为担心触怒孩子，态度会变得缓和一些，孩子就会误以为自己镇住了父母。父母态度的转变强化了孩子的暴力倾向，他找到了获得权力的方法以及使用权力的时机。

The second is power.Self-worth low children tend to look for power feeling.Some children because mistakes are often parents rebuked,In the limit of cases fell to hit home items.When the parents may because of fears that the enraged children,Attitude will be eased off a little,The children will mistakenly assume that their parents with a.Parents attitude change strengthen the child's violence tendency,He found the get power method and use the power of the time.

　　三是报复。让父母痛苦，比如学业上的失败、沉溺网络等等，父母越束手无策，他们越觉得达到了目的。

The third is revenge.Let parents pain,Such as academic failure/Indulge network and so on,The parents at a loss what to do,The more they feel to achieve the objective.

　　四是回避。自我价值感低的孩子回避与人进行情感的连接，以避免新的伤害，结果导致沟通能力的退化。

The fourth is to avoid.Self-worth low child avoid emotional connection with people,In order to avoid the new damage,As a result of the degradation ability to communicate.

　　

孩子成了夫妻较量的靶子 The child became husband and wife battle to the target

　　在与王奇的交流中，我对他的家庭模式有了一些把握。父亲王一事业成功、目空一切，看不惯王奇的言行时常说：“自古虎父无犬子，咱家邪了，我怎么会有这个儿子？”每当这个时候，母亲刘子蝉就会竭力声明孩子的坏习惯与自己无关。

In WangJi with the exchange,I to his family pattern has some grasp.Father the king a successful career/supercilious,Can't bear to see WangJi ways often said:"Since ancient times like father like son,I evil,How could I have this son?"Whenever this time,Mother LiuZiChan will try to declare the child of bad habits and oneself have nothing to do.

　　得知我要邀请王一加入咨询，刘子蝉的表情又惊又喜。她告诉我王一很固执，坚信他自己不但不需要心理咨询，而且可以做别人的导师。但刘子蝉心里也很清楚，如果王一不改变，家里的气氛是不会好转的。

Know that I want to invite the king a join consulting,LiuZiChan expression pleasantly surprised.She told the king a very stubborn,Firmly believe that he not only don't need psychological consultation,And can do other people's teacher.But LiuZiChan heart is very clear,If a king does not change,The atmosphere of the home won't get better.

　　王一出身贫寒，家中有8个兄弟姐妹。他出生的时候，一个出家人告诉他母亲，未来小儿子最有出息，父母能跟着享受荣华富贵。没有文化的母亲认定这是仙人点化，给小儿子起名“王一”，意思是希望他永远第一。在生活中，母亲对王一的照顾无微不至。他们全家睡通铺，夏天蚊子多的时候，母亲就在中间挂起一个蚊帐，只让王一进去睡觉。每天吃饭，只有王一吃好之后才允许其他孩子吃。她还无比信任王一，用“成大器的人就是不一样”来解释儿子的一切行为。在父母的眼中，家族的兴衰就系于王一身上，王一的骨子里也充满了霸气。他如愿考上重点大学，娶了家世不错的刘子蝉，也成就了一番事业。

A king was born poor,Home with eight brothers and sisters.When he was born,A monk told his mother,The golden future younger son,Parents can follow enjoy high position and great wealth.No cultural mother concluded that this was a fairy attunements,Names to the younger son"A king",Means hope he first forever.In life,Mother to the king a care meticulously.Their family probable,Summer mosquito much time,Mother was in the middle to hang up a mosquito net,Only let the king came in to sleep.Eat every day,Only the king a eat well before allow other children eat.She also very trust a king,with"The winner is not the same"Son to explain all the behavior.In the eyes of their parents,Family is the rise and fall of the king a body,A king's also full of ambition.He do enter a key university,Married family good LiuZiChan,Also made a career.

　　王一在恋爱时曾和刘子蝉开玩笑，“如果将来孩子随了你，学习不好，再娇里娇气就麻烦了。”这句话成了刘子蝉心中的魔咒，她期盼孩子像老公一样聪明，像自己一样高贵。

The king in a fall in love CengHeLiu son cicada kidding,"If the future child with you,Study is bad,Jiao jiao qi, is in trouble again."This sentence LiuZiChan heart became the spell,She is looking forward to children as clever as her husband,Like himself nobility.

　　王一要求王奇从小一定要强势，成为小朋友的领袖。每次王奇被小朋友打哭，回家之后王一不但不安慰，反而要狠狠揍他。王奇在学习上遇到困难，王一就会讥讽：“我当年一边玩一边学始终是全班第一，你学习为什么这样费劲？到底随了谁？”每次刘子蝉都像被马蜂蜇了，马上责问王奇：“我们家的人无论什么时候都是挺胸昂头，你咋就这样胆小怕事？”王奇就这样成了夫妻间内心较量的靶子。

The king a request from WangJi must be strong,Become the leader of the children.Every time WangJi be children play cry,After a home king not only comfort,But to knock him.WangJi academic difficulties,A king will taunt:"I was while playing the side to learn is always the first in the class,Why do you study hard?Exactly with the who?"Every time LiuZiChan are like be hornet stung,Immediately call to account WangJi:"Our family whenever you are high the head,Does your zha so timid?"And it was so WangJi couple inner battle to the target.

　　的确，王一成长的经历再一次印证了“罗森塔尔效应”。1968年，两位美国心理学家来到一所小学，他们从一至六年级中各选3个班，在学生中进行了一次“发展测验”。然后，他们以赞美的口吻将有优异发展可能的学生名单通知老师。8个月后，他们又来到这所学校，结果名单上的学生成绩有了显著进步，性格也更为开朗，求知欲强，敢于发表意见，与教师关系也特别融洽。而实际上，这是心理学家进行的一次期望心理实验，他们提供的名单其实是随机抽取的。

indeed,The king a growth experience once again proved"Rosenthal effect".In 1968,,Two American psychologist came to a primary school,They from one to six in the grade each choose 3 classes,In the student in a"Development test".then,They praise tone will have excellent development the list of the students may inform the teacher.Eight months later,And they came to this school,Results the list students have remarkable progress,Character and more cheerful,An eager,Dares to express an opinion,And teachers also special harmonious relationship.But in fact,This is a psychologist expected psychological experiment,They provide a list of actually is random.

　　王一的父母认同了“仙人”的点拨，坚信王一肯定能成大器，这种掩饰不住的热情通过眼神、笑容、音调滋养着王一，激励他更加努力，而优异的成绩再次强化了他的自信心，他被积极期待塑造成了“虎子”。在陪伴儿子的成长过程中，王一本来希望用自己的成功鞭策孩子，却无形中给孩子施加了压力。王奇永远摆脱不了父亲的光环，他觉得自己无论怎样努力，在父母的眼中都是没有价值的。

The king a parents the identity"fairy"Show how the,Believe that the king a can a winner,This could not conceal enthusiasm through the eyes/smile/Tone nourish the king a,Encourage him work harder,And honours again strengthened his self-confidence,He was looking forward to a positive shape"touching".With the growth of the son in the process,A king had hoped that with their own successful push children,But virtually brought pressure to bear to the child.WangJi always can't get away from his father's aura,He felt no matter how it is effort,In the eyes of parents are no value.

　　

安全感是家庭结构的支柱 Security is the pillar of the family structure

　　王一的悟性很高。在阅读了我推荐的几本教育书籍之后，他主动与刘子蝉来到我的心理咨询室。当我将王奇自我价值感低的原因分析给他们时，夫妻俩都为自己给儿子造成的伤害而难过，刘子蝉甚至痛哭失声。

The king a understanding is very high.In reading the I recommend few this education books later,He actively with LiuZiChan came to my counseling.When I will WangJi self-worth low cause analysis to them,Husband and wife both for his son to the damage and sad,LiuZiChan even tears.

　　我建议，由咨询师、父母成立一个帮助孩子找回自信的学习小组，共同讨论孩子面临的问题，选择合适的解决方案。夫妻回家实施，周末过来分享，巩固取得的成果，然后制定下一步的计划。

I suggest,The consultant/The parents set up a help children confident study group,Discuss the children are faced with the problem,Choose the right solution.Couples home implementation,Over the weekend to share,Consolidate the achievements,Then make the next step plan.

　　针对这对夫妻争强好胜的特点，我设立了竞争机制，看谁支持孩子成长的方案更积极、更有效。每次交流中，两人都争着说孩子本周的进步，他们的交流越来越正向了。

In view of this couple characteristics of the desire to excel over others,I set up competition mechanism,See who support the child grow the scheme more positive/More effective.Each exchange,Two people both claimed him children this week's progress,Their communication are more and more forward the.

　　王奇的状况有了明显的改善，接受咨询的第三天，他回到学校。之后的几周中，他不到学校的天数逐渐减少，第四周终于做到了全勤。每个周末过来，他都比较主动地与我讨论学校的事情，人也变得阳光多了。

WangJi condition has been improved,Accept consulting on the third day,He returned to the school.In the next few weeks,He is less than the number of days school gradually reduce,The first around finally made it perfect attendance.Every weekend over,He is active to discuss my school things,People also become much more sunshine.

　　一个月过去后，王一夫妻惊喜地发现，当他们用平等、关怀的目光看待孩子的时候，奇迹出现了孩子开始在慢慢地自我改善。

A month after the past,A husband and wife pleasantly surprised to find that the king,When they use equality/Care eyes look at a child,The miracle appear the child began to slowly self-improvement.

　　表面上，这个咨询的目标是帮助王奇建立家庭安全感，敢于将自己的需求表达出来，建立平等和谐的家庭关系。而在实际的咨询中，我对王一和刘子蝉的咨询占了大量的时间和精力，刘子蝉认为婚姻关系的重塑过程，恰恰是帮助孩子营造和谐家庭气氛的过程。

On the surface,The consulting the goal is to help WangJi to establish a home security,Dare to express their needs,To establish an equal and harmonious family relationships.While in the actual consultation,I'm a king and LiuZiChan consulting accounted for a large amount of time and energy,LiuZiChan think the marriage remodeling process,The children is to help build a harmonious family atmosphere process.

　　很多人认为，事业成功的父母会为孩子搭建比较好的成长平台，为他们提供更多的发展机会，却忽略了这种平台本身就缩小了孩子成长的空间，提高了他们获得成功的难度。在这样的家庭里，孩子获得父母赞赏的机会很少，无论自己多么努力，所收获的成果与父母的巨大成就相比都会显得“太小”，更不用说赢得父母发自内心的认可了。如果父母能够意识到这些，给孩子积极的心理抚慰，帮助孩子了解自己拥有的优势，并知道如何借势发展，他们之间就会形成良性的互动。如果父母不切实际地以高标准要求孩子，则会让他们处于焦虑之中，形成低自我价值，最终以放弃成长来对抗父母带来的成长压力。(心航路教育网主持人 张丽珊)

Many people think,The cause of the success of the parents for the child will build better growth platform,Provide them with more opportunities for development,But ignore the platform itself narrowed the child grow the space,Improve their success of difficulty.In such a family,Children get little chance parents praise,No matter how hard themselves,The results of the harvest and parents' great achievements will appear compared"Is too small",Not to mention win parents from the heart for recognition.If the parents can realize these,Give children a positive psychological comfort,Help your child understand its own advantage,And know how to taking advantage of development,They will be formed between benign interaction.If the parents unrealistically high standard requirements in children,Will let them in of anxiety,Forming low self-worth,Eventually to give up growth against parents bring growth pressure.(Heart route education network host ZhangLiShan)

　　(中国青年报)

(The China youth daily)