每个孩子的成长道路上，都少不了劳心劳力的父母。从饮食起居，到选专业找工作，没有他们不管的，他们跑前跑后忙忙碌碌，为的就是让孩子少些磕碰，少走弯路。或许，父母们还在为“不能管他一辈子”而遗憾，可孩子们早已对“被管一辈子”心生恐惧。

Each child's growth path,Involve pesters parents.From your heart,To choose professional looking for a job,No matter the without them,Them on the fly before and after running,In order to let children less knock against,Little detours.perhaps,Parents are for"Don't tube him for a lifetime"And regret,But the children are already familiar with"Be tube for a lifetime"fear.

　　“在孩子成长的过程中，家长应该是建议者、监督者，而不是进攻者。”中国青少年研究中心家庭教育研究所副研究员洪明说，不管是在学习上还是生活中，家长都要适时止步，让孩子们尝试监督、调控和管束自己的行为，养成良好的自我管理习惯，提高适应社会的能力。

"In the process of children growing up,Parents should be the advisor/supervisors,Rather than the attacker."The China youth and children research center, family education institute associate researcher hong said,Whether in study or life,Parents should be timely,Let the children try to supervise/Regulation and control their own behavior,Form good habits of self management,Improve the ability to adapt to society.

　　

操控孩子的时间是一种过度干预 Manipulation of the child's time is a kind of excessive intervention

　　今年读小学五年级的小柯，每个周末都非常忙碌。父母为她安排了3个课外班，数学、电子琴和舞蹈。数学是小柯的弱项，爸爸说“不得不补”，妈妈说小柯“喜欢”电子琴和舞蹈，报个班好好学，将来小升初，没准儿能加分。

Xiao ke read primary school grade five this year,Every weekend is very busy.Parents arranged three extra-curricular class for her,mathematics/Keyboard and dancing.Mathematics is xiao ke's weaknesses,Dad said"Have to fill",Mother said that xiao ke"like"Keyboard and dancing,Sign up for a class to learn well,In the future among,Maybe can add cent.

　　于是，小柯的周末往往“比上学还累”。周六的两个课外班相距甚远，爸爸和她经常在外面简单吃一点就要坐地铁“赶”第二场课。周日的课在下午，虽然不用早起，但一想到周一又要上学，小柯就心情沮丧。

so,Xiao ke weekends often"Tired than go to school".Far from the two extracurricular class on Saturday,My father and she is often in the outside eat a little bit simple to take the subway"catch"The second class.Sunday's class in the afternoon,Although don't have to get up early,But the thought of go to school again on Monday,Xiao ke is depressed.

　　小柯试图让妈妈相信自己弹不好电子琴，但妈妈总会说，“你5岁就在阿姨家弹琴了，一摸琴都舍不得回家。你要坚持，觉得累就放弃怎么行？”

Xiao ke is trying to let my mother to believe in yourself bad playing electronic organ,But mother always said,"You in the aunt's house to play the piano at age five,A touch of piano are reluctant to go home.Do you want to stick to,Feel tired can give up how line?"

　　这样的周末生活并不鲜见。2012年中国儿童中心组织的一项调查显示，46%的北京儿童认为自己很忙，他们大多由于作业多、参加课外培训班而没时间进行户外活动。

The weekend life is not rare.China center for children in 2012, according to a survey of the organization,46% of Beijing children think you are very busy,Most of them are because of much homework/To attend after-school training classes and no time for outdoor activities.

　　“这些课余培训班，有多少是孩子们真正喜欢的呢？”洪明说，很多孩子是基于家长的要求和选择参加兴趣班、辅导班，操控孩子的时间就是家长过度干预孩子的一种表现。

"These after-school training classes,How many are the children really like?"Hong said,Many of the children is based on the demand of parents and choose interest class/Remedial class,Manipulation of the child's time is a form excessive intervention in the child's parents.

　　洪明认为，在目前的教育体制下，孩子们从小就是围绕课堂、书本和老师进行“被动”学习，在家里，相当一部分家长把“家庭教育”理解为“家庭学习”，把围绕学校教育抓孩子的学习，放在了家庭教育和父母职责的首位。

HongMing think,Under the current education system,The children grew up around the classroom/Books and teachers"passive"learning,In the home,Quite a number of parents"The family education"Understood as a"Family learning",Around the school, education children's study,In the family education and the parents responsibility first.

　　“家长会给孩子制定学习目标，比如考多少分，提升几个名次。”洪明说，这样的目标不科学，也很功利，但在很多家庭中都普遍存在。在他主持的一项调查中，有52.5%的家长“为孩子安排课余学习的内容”，家长与孩子谈话的主题，高达93.4%是孩子的“学习”，73%是“学校的事情”。

"Parents give children set learning goals,Such as how many points test,Raise a few places."Hong said,Such a goal is not scientific,Also very utilitarian,But there are common in many families.In one study, led by his,52.5% of the parents"Arrange the contents of the after-school learning for children",The theme of parents and children talk,Up to 93.4% was a child"learning",73% is"The school things".

　　“长期持续的被动学习不但损害了孩子学习的自主性，也扼杀了孩子的创造性。”洪明认为，很多考上名牌大学的孩子厌学，正是家长过度干预的结果。上大学以前，家长为孩子制定各种具体的目标，而这种“功利性”目标并不是建立在兴趣的基础上，于是，有的孩子一离开父母，就不知道要学什么，更不知道为什么学。

"Passive learning is not only harm the children for a long time of learning autonomy,Also stifle the creativity of children."HongMing think,Disgusted with lots of children admitted to a famous university,Parent is the result of excessive intervention.Go to college before,Parents setting specific goals for your child,And this kind of"utilitarianism"Goal is not to build on the basis of the interest,so,Some children leave their parents,Don't know what to learn,More don't know why to learn.

　　

孩子们的生活自主能力极度缺失 The children's lives extremely lack of independent ability

　　“家庭矛盾主要来自父母向儿童施加的学业压力。”洪明说，不少家长将学习之外的东西与学习对立起来看待，喜欢包办孩子的各项事务，帮孩子做主，以便让孩子集中精力去学习。

"Family conflicts mainly from parents to children's academic pressure."Hong said,Many parents will learn things and learning outside of the opposition,Arranged in all kinds of kids' affairs,Help your child make decision,In order to let children focus on learning.

　　于是，每年大学新生入学，校园里的家长团队反而成为媒体关注的焦点，描述的场景基本相似：爸爸拿行李，妈妈铺褥子，孩子们却袖手旁观。

so,University new students every year,Parents team on campus has become the focus of media attention,The scenario described basic similar:Dad with your luggage,Mother spread plate,The children stood by.

　　实际上，我们还经常看到这样的报道：小学生不会穿衣服、中学生不会洗碗、高中生不会剥鸡蛋皮……一些最基本的生活技能，在孩子们身上呈现着退化的趋势。

In fact,We often see such a report:Elementary school students will wear no clothes/Middle school students don't wash the dishes/High school students don't peel the egg……Some of the most basic life skills,In children presents a trend of deterioration.

　　中国青少年研究中心副主任孙云晓曾说，如今进入了精细化喂养的时代，父母对孩子的一切设计得很周密，吃什么穿什么，每天怎么安排。父母太能干，会把孩子变得无能和脆弱。

The China youth and children research center, deputy director of the sun has said,Now entered the era of fine feed,Parents of children all designed to be very careful,Eat what to wear,Every day how to schedule.Parents are too capable,Will the child become powerless and vulnerable.

　　洪明认为，影响孩子适应社会的首要危险性因素就是家长包办。在他负责的调查中，超过一半（52.1%）的家长认为孩子的学习很重要，其他方面可以暂时放一放。另一方面，孩子们没有属于自己的计划安排，大多是被家长和老师牵着鼻子走。

HongMing think,The primary risk factors affect children to adapt to the society is parents arranged.Was in charge of the investigation,More than half(52.1%)Parents believe that children's learning is very important,Other things can wait for the time being.On the other hand,The children did not belong to their own schedule,Mostly by parents and teachers by the nose.

　　这样一来，孩子们的生活自主能力极度缺失，没有自我服务的意识，依赖父母成了习惯。比如，有的孩子不会用零花钱，不是过度消费就是从不自己买东西；有的孩子经常找不到需要的东西，或者忘带第二天需要的东西……

In this way,The children's lives extremely lack of independent ability,Have no sense of self service,Rely on their parents become a habit.Such as the,Some children did not know how to use pocket money,Not excessive consumption is to never buy things;Some children often can't find what they want,Or forgot to take the second day need……

　　“家庭是一个人的第一课堂，家庭教育的重要内容之一就是培养孩子的自我管理意识，养成自我管理的习惯。”洪明说，但现在不少家长缺乏生活教育的意识，即使要安排有挑战的事情让孩子独立承担，也会带有明显的教育痕迹，安排什么样的事情、如何安排布置都是家长经过精心策划的。相反，在日常生活中，家长却不善于把握让孩子自我管理的机会。

"The family is one of the first class,One of the important contents of family education is to cultivate children's consciousness of self management,Get into the habit of self management."Hong said,But now many parents lack the consciousness of life education,Even to arrange a challenge for children to be independent,Also will have the obvious traces of education,What kind of things to arrange/Parents carefully plan how to arrange the layout.instead,In our daily life,Parents are not good at to grasp the chance to let children self-management.

　　洪明举了一个简单的例子。如果孩子要参加班级外出旅游，这本来是锻炼孩子的好机会，但大部分家长都在帮孩子收拾衣服、带吃的玩的，为孩子准备好一切。

HongMingJu a simple example.If the child is traveling to attend class,It was a good opportunity to exercise the child's,But most of the parents help children to pick up clothes/Take food to play,All ready for children.

　　洪明认为，最好的做法是，先让孩子根据老师的布置和旅游预先设想，自己选择安排应该携带的物品，家长主要负责提出建议，最后检查，做好服务。

HongMing think,The best approach is,First let the children according to the arrangement of the teacher and the tourist thought beforehand,Choose their own arrangement should carry goods,Parents responsible for advice,A final inspection,Good services.

　　

自我管理是一个持续性的过程 Self-management is a continuing process

　　“孩子越大越不好管”是李女士常常挂在嘴边的一句话。她的女儿今年才9岁，但李女士认为女儿小时候更“可爱”。

"Poor child, the greater the tube"Ms li is often in a sentence.Her daughter is only nine years old this year,But ms li thought to her daughter as a child"lovely".

　　现在，母女俩经常较劲，早晨李女士给女儿准备好衣服，小姑娘会提反对意见，理由是“我不爱穿这个”。当同学们都用带香味的圆珠笔时，李女士要求女儿不要有“虚荣”心理，而且“气味有异的东西对健康有碍”。诸如此类的争论，经常以李女士的胜利告终，但女儿少不了一番死缠烂打软磨硬泡，有时候还会大哭一场。

now,Mother and daughter often compete,Ms. Li in the morning ready to clothes to her daughter,The girl would be mention opposition,The reason is that"I don't like to wear this".When students use scented a ball-point pen,Ms. Lee asked his daughter not to have"vanity"psychological,and"Smell something different hindrance to health".Such arguments,Often ended in Ms. Li's victory,But the little daughter, not a dead to tie up lousy dozen of impending nuptials,Sometimes cry.

　　事实上，很多家长都有跟孩子讨价还价的经历。比如，孩子提出要玩30分钟的游戏，父母不同意，玩游戏的时间改成了20分钟。

In fact,,Haggling over prices with a lot of parents have children.Such as the,Children want to play the game for 30 minutes,Parents don't agree with,Time to 20 minutes of playing a game.

　　有意思的是，在接受洪明调查的家长中，绝大部分都表示重视“鼓励孩子自己做决定”。家长们如此言行不一，因为他们担心“孩子还小，管不住自己”，可在洪明看来，这其实是家长们为自己越俎代庖找的一个借口。

It is interesting,In accepting HongMing survey of parents,The vast majority said seriously"Encourage children to make their own decisions".Parents are so duplicity,Because they are worried about"Children are young,Can't hold myself",Can be in HongMing view,This is actually the parents for their personal to find an excuse.

　　“孩子们的自我管理，是一个持续性的过程。”洪明说，但家长处于强势地位，以结果为导向，习惯从经验出发，难免武断专横。他们要求孩子减少10分钟的目的，只是因为20分钟的游戏时间符合他们自己的意愿。

"The children of self management,Is a continuous process."Hong said,But parents in a strong position,Results oriented,Habits start from experience,To avoid arbitrary.They are asking children to reduce the purpose of 10 minutes,Just because the 20 minutes of game time conforms to their own will.

　　洪明表示，允许孩子自己解释选择的理由，澄清这么做的价值，这个思考过程是很宝贵的。比如说，要听听孩子坚持玩30分钟的理由，如果孩子只是说“××就是这样的”，这是盲目跟风不是独立思考，家长就不能支持。

HongMing said,Allow kids to explain reasons for choice,To clarify the value,The thinking process is very precious.For instance,To listen to reason to insist on playing 30 minutes,If the child just said"Xx is such",This is blind follow suit not independent thinking,Parents will not be able to support.

　　在洪明看来，无论是自己的物品还是学习，不管是时间还是情绪，孩子们终究是要学会自己面对、自己处理的。小的时候，他们并不能像成人那样清晰地认知自己的目标，比如说同一类事情，会制定不一致的目标，或者多次改变调整自己的目标，但这都是正常的情况。

It seems to HongMing,Whether his or her own articles or learning,Whether time or mood,Children, after all, is to learn to face myself/Own processing.When I was a child,They don't like adult cognitive your goals clearly,For example the same sort of thing,Have not consistent goal,Or many times change adjust their goals,But this is normal situation.

　　“家长要做的不是轻易否定他们，也不是盲目随意地任其发展。”洪明说，家长应该和孩子在民主协商的基础上，制定可操作的自我管理计划。在这个过程中，家长要引导孩子就选择的后果进行审慎的思考，鼓励他们根据选择来行动，然后对一些不满意的结果进行反思和改进。久而久之，孩子就会形成自觉思考的习惯，盲目选择会越来越少，自我管理能力随之提高，家长也就可以放手了。

"Parents do not easily deny them,Also is not blind to its development."Hong said,Children and parents should be on the basis of democratic consultation,Operational plan to manage themselves.In the process,Parents should guide their children the consequences of the choice of the prudent thinking,Encourage them to act according to the selection,And then for some not satisfied with the result of reflection and improvement.The passage of time,Children can form the habit of thinking consciously,Blind choice is less and less,Self management ability,Parents also can let it go.

　　

不要轻易让计划落空 Don't make plans

　　洪明曾在校门口观察过放学的孩子，在等父母来接的时候，很多孩子会被一些小商贩“劝”着买东西，但很少有人能迅速有效地摆脱这种境况。

HongMing was observed at the school gate after school children,When we were waiting for the parents to meet,Many children will be some small businesses"advise"To buy things,But few people can effectively get rid of this situation.

　　“孩子们处理实际问题的能力不足，集中表现在日常生活中，我们可以随时看到。”洪明说，学习和生活是分不开的，家长们总是试图将其割裂，总觉得等孩子上了大学，自己一撒手，他们该会的就全会了。

"The children's capabilities to deal with practical problems,Concentrated expression in everyday life,We can see at any time."Hong said,Study and life are inseparable,Parents always try to split them,Always thought, etc. Children go to college,A give up myself,They could of the plenary session.

　　但是，往往事与愿违。有的人找工作面试要带着父母，有的人工作中出了问题还要父母出面解决……

but,Often backfire.There are some people who are looking for a job interview with parents,Some people and parents work out of the question to solve……

　　洪明认为，很多生活道理、人情世故，以及如何待人接物，都需要孩子在日常生活中一点一点地去体验和总结。如果家长一味地包办代替，孩子们无法学会自理，也无处习得一些社会化技能，将来很难适应这个社会。

HongMing think,A lot of truth in life/The way of the world,And how to treat people,All need to children in daily life to experience and summed up bit by bit.If parents arranged instead of blindly,Children can't learn to care for themselves,Also nowhere to acquire some social skills,In the future, it is difficult to adapt to the society.

　　“孩子们的自我管理，是一个实现个体化和社会化的过程。自我管理能力强的儿童，社会适应能力也强。”洪明表示，对一个班级来说，老师不可能表现出两种或两种以上的自我管理教育方式。与学校教育相比，来自家长的自我管理教育才是最基础的形式。家长们要有培养孩子自我管理能力的意识，提醒自己“止步”；也要在实践中找到科学的方法，让孩子学会“迈步”。

"The children of self management,Is a realization of individualization and socialization.Self management ability of children,Strong social adaptation ability."HongMing said,For a class,The teacher could not show the two or more than two kinds of way of self-management education.Compared with school education,Self-management education from parents is the most basic form.Parents should cultivate children awareness of self-management ability,Remind yourself"stop";Also want to find the scientific method in practice,Let children learn to"A step".

　　“实施自我管理，要制定切实可行的计划和预期目标。”洪明说，缺乏目标的引领必然导致混乱。

"The self management,To make feasible plan and target."Hong said,Lack of goal lead inevitably lead to confusion.

　　洪明举了个例子。小张计划在寒假练习一首钢琴曲，希望达到熟练的程度，他决定每周三、五、日下午练习一个半小时。结果到寒假结束时他还是没有按计划完成任务。

HongMingJu an example.Zhang plans to practice a piano in the winter vacation,Hope to reach the level of proficiency,He decided that every Wednesday/five/The afternoon practice an hour and a half.The results by the end of the winter vacation he still didn't finish the task as planned.

　　“计划不仅仅是要干什么，要有目标、有标准，还要有补救措施。有时候计划未必非要那么详细，但要清楚自己每一步要达到的目标。”他说，可以依事情定计划，也可以依时间定计划，关键是有可行性，不要轻易让计划落空。

"Plan is not only what to do,To have goals/Has a standard,Have remedial measures.Sometimes the plan must not so detailed,But want to know your every step to achieve goals."He said,Can be in accordance with the plan,Can also according to the time plan,The key is feasible,Don't make plans.

　　洪明建议，家长可以和孩子在民主讨论的基础上，制定具有科学性、可操作性的自我管理计划。然后，家长引导孩子形成定期检查、及时总结的良好习惯，通过自我管理检查总结这一过程，达到真正意义上的自我管理和自我教育。(李丽)

HongMing advice,Can parents and children in democracy on the basis of the discussion,There is scientific/Operability of the self-management program.then,Parents guide their children to form regular inspection/Timely summary of good habit,This process are summarized based on self management,To achieve the true sense of self management and self education.(Li li)